time to leave

i've decided to quit my job. i just need to decide when. i've been unhappy and unmotivated here for years. although i don't have another job to go to, the idea of being free is intoxicating. i can do other things!!! like freelance, like be more active in different ministries, like spend solitary time alone just reading and meditating and writing!!! =D i can try taking classes in cooking and interior design and painting and pottery and martial arts and real estate [with the crazy prices, i figure if i ever want to buy a home here i better take a course to educate myself!] AND most importantly, i want to take the missions-focused perspectives course. i want to take steps towards my dream of serving missions agencies and non-profits with graphic design. i know that sounds insane...i wouldn't be making much. and i'd be giving up awesome health benefits and an even better 401k matching program. but somehow, in light of other things, those things aren't as important. what i want the most is freedom. i feel suffocated here, and have felt that way for a while. so i'm excited. i figure this is the best time too, since eman and i don't have kids yet. it'd be harder for me to start pursuing this if i had kids. i mean, i'm scared shitless, but my fear of leaving is smaller than my fear of not taking a chance, of not trying.

i remember, years ago, while in art school, i prayed that one day i'd be able to use graphic design as a ministry. i didn't know how that was going to happen, but i wanted to dedicate my developing skill to Him. some time later, i thought that meant he'd just have me work as a designer for newsong. when that didn't happen, i got confused and thought maybe he didn't want to use me and my design skills. so i stopped thinking about it for a while. but lately that desire has come back tenfold. i know it's risky...i know to most it even seems absurd. but i won't know if God will use me that way until i give it a shot...until i make myself available to find out.