Jesus in Blue Jeans

my jesus in blue jeans
is laughing at me.
i think he finds me charming.
i'm happy to amuse him.

he's driving.
i'm in the passenger seat
of the convertible.
red, of course.
nothing fancy.
an older, vintage model.
[jesus and i,
we love the vintage models.]

he's speeding.
no, gliding
down the shore.
the sand gets kicked up behind us
while the waves crash beside us,
and i'm telling a story
the story of my life
and he's listening
as he drives.

every now and then
he'll turn his head
and nod
or smile
or look at me pained with compassion.
but then i'll say something bright and funny
and he'll laugh at me again.

my jesus in blue jeans
is a good driver.
he lets me relax and talk with ease.
the wind doesn't even bother me
coz i'm finally here with my jesus
and it's our time now
and he's listening to me.

at last i'm done with my talking
and he looks at me
and i look back
and he smiles his approval.
so i get up, out of the passenger seat
to the back seat [car still moving]
and sit on the hard top.

the wind's blowing harder up there,
but i don't care.
i stretch out my arms
releasing
smiling
as my jesus in blue jeans is driving,
me to Freedom.

=|

oh gawed...i'm still at work. somebody get me the hell outta here. =(

nick: thanks for blogging about how much fun you're having over there and about all the good food you're eating. and in case you're wondering...i'm not jealous at all! [crosses fingers behind back] =P

a nice start

early today nick called me at work to tell me about his awesome morning. he was at usc, and he had just signed up for all the classes he wanted, found out that he was getting more scholarship money than he anticipated, and resolved what could have been an uncomfortable & professionaly sticky situation. AND he was excited about going to new york tonite. it was nice to hear him so happy. it actually made my day brighter too. so today had a nice start to it. a happy friend called with happy news and shared his happiness with me. so simple, yet few things are sweeter. I'M GLAD YOU HAD A HAPPY DAY NICK! HAVE FUN IN NY!!! =D

the burden of envy

today's small group discussion was on envy. unfortunately, i slept through the first part of it. [sorry derrick!] but the rest of the discussion was good. it was relatively easy to talk about, since envy is something we've all experienced. ppl shared about the things they envy most. most of us agreed that above material things, what we envy the most are healthy, intimate, strong relationships. the kind between family members and close friends and significant others. some come from rough backgrounds/families, and always envied friends' home lives. others come from that type of enviable family, yet was sheltered as a result and found it difficult to adjust to real-world realities. some have yet to experience a healthy, loving relationship with someone of the opposite sex, while others long for intimacy in their friendships. and of course, we also talked about envying a person's lot in life...money, security, education, social status, etc. but all that paled when compared to enviable relationships. it's easier to live without the material than to live with the lonliness.

chest hair

the other nite i dreamt i grew chest hair. it was a rite of passage, and being the first one among my peers to grow this awe-inspiring hair, i was immensely proud. so proud, that i flashed my chest to everybody from my coworkers to my neighbors. everyone who saw the chest hair oohed and aahed. i know what you're thinking. but apparently either my boobs were completely covered in chest hair or they shrunk and disappeared altogether, because they didn't impress anybody. it was all about the chest hair.

paradigm shift

this weekend seems to have had a theme. a theme about performing vs. investing. the premarital counselor that eman and i have been seeing [dr. joshua] said something that struck me on saturday. he said, "you don't have to." he was referring to my frantic efforts of pleasing my future parents-in-law. he was trying to get across to me that what i do in how i try to please/appease them is not important. my relationship with them is. and on sunday, at mosaic church, pastor erwin said, "nothing is more important to God than people. he sent his only son for us...for people. Jesus' ministry was people. if you don't invest yourself in people, you're wasting you're life." [paraphrased] one of my problems is that i've always tried to perform perfectly...to fulfill my various roles as perfectly as possible. and when i feel like i failed...as a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a friend, etc...i would feel this enormous guilt for not being better, for not being more perfect, and i would berate myself endlessly. but you know what...it's just not possible. i know this sounds lame coming from a 29 year old, but i always thought perfection was the only way other ppl would love me. if i was perfect in my roles and efforts, they wouldn't have a reason NOT to love me, or a reason to hurt me. but that's retarded. because i'm flawed. and i don't have to be perfect [or even close to it] to appease ppl or maintain relationships. that's not what real relationships are about. it's not about keeping score...who gives more and who doesn't. that would make for a very shallow relationship. real relationships involve risks and forgiveness and sacrifice, and when given freely, without the expectation of it being returned, these relationships give freedom and deeply rooted love. the really important ppl in my life won't hold my imperfections against me, and i won't hold theirs against them. they'll look at my heart more than my actions or lack thereof. they'll be patient and gracious with my imperfections because they love me for who i am and who i strive to be. and they won't punish me or secretly hold a grudge just because i don't act/react the way they think i should. i can't please everybody, and that's okey, because that's not a burden i need to bear. as dr. joshua said, i "don't have to" perform. and as pastor erwin said, i need to invest.

a sudden stop

this past weekend was good yet draining. i stamped for four hours on sat and made three cards, which i was pleased with. then i worked on a flyer for the children's ministry of my church, which seemed to take forever. [it's always hard to come up with an idea, but once you decide on a design and can start the process, things are much smoother.] i stayed up til the wee hours sat nite/sun morning, so i was exhausted all day sunday. but i was able to check out mosaic church w/eman and derrick [our small group facilitator] and that was pretty good, even though i was dozing off during the service. we went to curry house afterwards for dinner, and i dunno if it was the food there or what but i had MAJOR runs all evening. so in addition to being physically tired from lack of sleep, i was also physically tired from going to the bathroom every half hour. and then i hear that my uncle had a heart attack. he's alright...they're keeping him in the hospital for observation. his son is studying to become a surgeon, so i know he'll be well taken care of when he comes home from the hospital. i'm not particularly close to this uncle, but i know him to be a well-respected, generous man. i couldn't help but think about his family...my aunt and my cousins...and how something like this must affect them. theirs hasn't been an easy road. the daughter of the family, my cousin khrystyne, is living in korea. she's been there for several years now and is a very successful businesswoman. but i know, that her heart aches to be with her family. she's so much farther away from her parents than i am from mine. i would be scared shitless to learn that my father had a heart attack...scared and helpless. i can't imagine how much those feelings must be magnified for her.

the news of my uncle's heart attack came as a complete surprise. my parents never said anything to me about his health, so i assumed he was just fine. he never looked weak or tired to me. for some reason though, when i got the news, even though i knew it wasn't fatal...that he was going to be okey...i just stopped. all of a sudden, i felt like i was standing still while everything else was going at full speed around me. and a million things ran through my head all at once...his family, our extended family, my grandmother [who's almost 90 and lives alone], my own parents' health issues, my sister [who's coming to grips with a very difficult decision], my cousin luke who's in the air force and is thankfully being stationed in sacramento, my cousin lisa and her husband troy who are living away from all their family and friends in las vegas, my future parents-in-law who are at a conference in korea [and who we have yet to hear from], my future brother and sister-in-law and their own personal struggle, some of my friends who are dealing with difficult issues, people in my small group, people who i haven't seen lately and miss terribly, and lastly...work and wedding. i was disgusted that those last two things even entered my thoughts. my mind has been so consumed with work drama [thank you to those who let me vent!] and wedding planning [thank you to those who let me go on and on!] and today, i...just...wanted...to...STOP. so i emailed in sick. i really just wanted to be alone. unfortunately tomorrow morning i'll have to get up extra early to try to make up for today. but that's okey. work is work. it'll get done whether it's me doing the work or someone else. my presence there doesn't add anything to the company. it is not who i am, and it is not what God made me for. and the wedding will get planned. i don't need to dwell on all the things i haven't done yet. i just need to tackle one thing at a time.

"omg you've gotten so CHUBBY!!!"

WTF?!?

maybe it's an asian thing, but lately i've had a few relatives chastize me for letting myself go. i'm like, "letting myself go? what am i, 500 lbs and bed-ridden? i still fit into regular clothes don't i?!" i guess it's because the wedding's coming up and they want me to look like a princess. [um...excuse me, but NOT every woman getting hitched WANTS to look like a princess. NOT every woman wants a tiara to go with her veil, and NOT every woman wants to wear a ballgown for 6+ hrs! but that's another story.] whatever the reason, i've been told that it's a woman's responsibility to look good for her husband, lest his eyes start to wander. i agree with that. wives have the priviledge of looking sexy for their husbands. it's a perk of marriage. but i don't think sexy only comes in a size 2. i used to actually be a size 0 back in college. [nick, you remember right?] but gawed, that was COLLEGE. it's been 12 years already! MESSAGE TO RELATIVES: i'm NEVER going to be a size 0 again!!! GET OVER IT AND STOP BOTHERING ME!!! i swear, i want to drown myself in krispy kremes just to rebel. it's one thing if they'd be nice and gentle and caring about it...like, tell me they're concerned about my health or tell me i need to start exercising to get my body in shape for a future pregnancy, etc...but NO! they say things like, "you don't want emmanuel to notice other women, do you?" i'd like to say, "well yes, actually, i would. since i notice other men, it's only fair that he's allowed to notice other women, don't you think?" but i dunno how to say all that in korean. >=|

archery

i'm so excited! my friend jean told me about a group of ppl who meet every sat morning to practice archery! right here in pasadena! and they give lessons too! FOR FREEEEEE!!! =D i'm gonna start going in sept! they meet at lower arroyo seco park, which is just below the rose bowl, from 9-11am. since i go to the rose bowl to walk every sat morning w/susan anyway, i can just go to the archery field right after! it's too perfect!!! =D =D =D God bless america!!!

taste test

last thursday eman and i went to oxy to taste some entree and cake options for our wedding. the food was so yummy!!! i hope our guests like it! i loved the cake! i would kept eating it if i hadn't been so full from trying all the entrees and salads. oh yah, their salads are awesome! i HATE greens, but i ate all of my portions! yum yum... =)

during the tasting, oxy's wedding coordinator asked us questions about the food and other things for the wedding day. afterwards we went through the dining hall and patio again to go over table and decor setups. i took more pictures. i even took one of the womens' restroom! being there and tasting the food and going through the venue made it feel more real for the both of us. we were like, "whoa. we're gettin' hitched here in a few months." [well, that's what i was thinking. eman's thoughts were probably more along the lines of, "wow. we're going to be getting married on these premises in a relatively short amount of time."] anyway, it was really nice there. especially at dusk. there were hardly any ppl around so the campus was very peaceful. aaah. i hope that's how our wedding will be...fun, relaxed...peaceful.

catwoman

RULES!!!

i don't care what the critics say. okey, so the story was incredibly stupid and shallow. but who's gonna watch it for the story?!? halle berry kicked ass and she looked damn good doing it! i can't wait for the DVD...