"...but I also am aware that before the first sign of trouble hit, the majority of my faith was based on what I had read about God in books and not on my own experiences with Him. Facing pain also made me face the reality that maybe God wasn’t who I thought He was after all, and through the trials my faith has been made real and my trust in God has been strengthened.
Sometimes God will take clay and break down the current mold to make something more beautiful. God will mold us and this molding is not from a God who seeks to destroy, but rather from a God who loves to heal."
-----------------------
i agree with the above, but i can't help but wonder if the author is suggesting all pain is from God. i don't believe that it is, although when i experience pain personally the first thing i do is shake my fist at God. it's hard to distinguish pain that is a natural consequence of my own willful actions and pain that is a result of someone/something else altogether. i'm just glad that whatever the origin of pain, God can use it to make me more beautiful and reflect His glory.
Thursday, July 29, 2004
the beach
i took a last-minute personal day yesterday to spend time w/eman's folks before they left for korea. [they left this morning.] it was nice to be away from the office in the middle of the week. we took them to eat crab at redondo beach coz eman's dad loves crabs. we had a large plate of sashimi too, which was really yummy! being near the ocean made me feel so different. i'm definitely more an ocean girl than a mountain girl. something about the waves and the water and the sand...they always stir something inside of me. yesterday in particular i felt a sense of astonishment and wonder. for some ppl going up to the mountains makes them feel closer to God. i feel that way when i'm near the ocean.
i have a good friend at work who always talks about working to help the poor. i really admire that about her. we've talked about wanting to do something more meaningful in life...something more substantial than trying to live the much-hyped "american dream." we both have seen poverty in our native countries and have come back to our homes in the states uncomfortable with our comparative wealth. so we talk about spending the rest of our days in service to those who lack resources, knowledge, and power. we have no idea how to start, but it's always in the backs of our minds. and we agree God will lead us to it when the timing is right. we just don't know when that will be. well, yesterday at the beach, i felt like my days of working to survive and to prove my independence/self-sufficiency [i guess i'll have to go into why i feel like i need to prove my independence later] will soon draw to a close. i'm not saying i'm going to fly off to a 3rd world country to start an orphanage [yet] and i'm not saying i plan to stop working once i'm married, but i feel like it needs to be a different kind of work. maybe i'll design part-time and use the rest of my time to focus more on ministry, or maybe i'll start freelancing for non-profit orgs/churches/etc. i dunno exactly. but i do know that i want to shift my work focus. my attitude at work has been really bad for a while now and although i feel terrible about it, i don't exactly know what to do. i've been praying about it too...praying that God will help me to change my attitude. but i'm starting to feel like an outsider there regardless, and i guess i'm confused...i'm not sure how to handle that feeling or even why i'm feeling that way if i'm praying NOT to feel that way. sometimes it's scary when you feel like you're standing on the precipice of a life change. i don't know where God is leading/will lead me to next, but i feel like He's nudging me...somewhere. i just hope i will follow and not remain stationary out of my fear of the unknown.
i have a good friend at work who always talks about working to help the poor. i really admire that about her. we've talked about wanting to do something more meaningful in life...something more substantial than trying to live the much-hyped "american dream." we both have seen poverty in our native countries and have come back to our homes in the states uncomfortable with our comparative wealth. so we talk about spending the rest of our days in service to those who lack resources, knowledge, and power. we have no idea how to start, but it's always in the backs of our minds. and we agree God will lead us to it when the timing is right. we just don't know when that will be. well, yesterday at the beach, i felt like my days of working to survive and to prove my independence/self-sufficiency [i guess i'll have to go into why i feel like i need to prove my independence later] will soon draw to a close. i'm not saying i'm going to fly off to a 3rd world country to start an orphanage [yet] and i'm not saying i plan to stop working once i'm married, but i feel like it needs to be a different kind of work. maybe i'll design part-time and use the rest of my time to focus more on ministry, or maybe i'll start freelancing for non-profit orgs/churches/etc. i dunno exactly. but i do know that i want to shift my work focus. my attitude at work has been really bad for a while now and although i feel terrible about it, i don't exactly know what to do. i've been praying about it too...praying that God will help me to change my attitude. but i'm starting to feel like an outsider there regardless, and i guess i'm confused...i'm not sure how to handle that feeling or even why i'm feeling that way if i'm praying NOT to feel that way. sometimes it's scary when you feel like you're standing on the precipice of a life change. i don't know where God is leading/will lead me to next, but i feel like He's nudging me...somewhere. i just hope i will follow and not remain stationary out of my fear of the unknown.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
nathan
my cousin's wife just gave birth to a healthy baby boy! they named him nathan, and this is their second child. since their first child, my niece nicole, was born deaf, they were anxious about this baby. would he be able to hear? please God, let this child hear. and yes! he passed his hearing tests with flying colors! praise God! =D
running shoes
I GOT RUNNING SHOES!!! i'm so happy! =D for the past several saturdays now, when i go to the rose bowl with susan, i have to watch her run off while i lag behind, walking the whole 3 miles instead of jogging because of my shoes. they cause me so much pain that i can only run for a few feet and by the time i'm at the end, i have blisters. but susan told me about this place at paseo colorado that custom fit ppl into running shoes, so i went there and bought a pair! they're white & navy adidas bostons and they're SOOO comfortable! i came home and put them on right away! =D the true test will be this saturday when we get to the bowl of course, but right now, it literally feels like i'm walking on clouds. =) thanks for the referral susan!
motivation
whenever eman and i get into an argument and i start pointing out his inconsistencies, he always asks, "so what's your point hannah? are you trying to prove to me how right you are and how wrong i am? what's your motivation for pointing these things out?" and it always frustrates me, because, of course, i DON'T want to be doing that, but the fact that he can see how i AM doing that unnerves me. but still, i'm glad that he does it too, because i think it keeps my ego in check. it makes me think about my true motives, and it forces me to look at things from his perspective. i guess although i hate it, i realize i need it.
law lover
it's amazing how one can go from loving something to hating it. i used to love laws. i mean, the "christian" ones. there are lots of them, so organizing them in my mind was sometimes difficult, but still, i liked leafing through my mental files and pulling out the one[s] i specifically needed in a given situation. sometimes that situation was about me making a decision, and other times it was about me judging somebody. either way, that mental logbook came in pretty handy, coz it enabled me to feel pretty good about myself. by making a decision based on those laws, i could feel good about myself for making the "right" decision. by judging others by them i could feel good about myself for making a "righteous" judgement [and pat myself on the back for not being like them]. at the end of the day, those "Christ-centered" laws justified everything i did, said, and thought, because those laws made me right. and being right was the most important thing. if i hurt someone's feelings, i could avoid the guilt by reminding myself, "well, at least i'm right!" being right meant i didn't have to answer to anyone, didn't have to apologize to anyone, didn't have to be sensitive to anyone, didn't have to look inward and question whether or not i was being a hypocrite, because i was right. being right justified every self-motivated and arrogant thing about me.
you wanna talk about legalism? about being a pharisee? about living without loving? you can ask me. i was probably one of the worst, because my thirst for biblical knowledge gave me a big head and i was surprised at how fast i was "growing" in my faith. i assumed my relatively quick intellectual absorbtion of scriptural truths meant i was also ingesting them in my heart. i was wrong. "God detests pride but gives grace to the humble." THAT'S all over the bible, but somehow i didn't catch that one.
i don't remember a lot of those laws anymore, and i'm glad. i guess you could call me a recovering legalist. and i hope i continue my recovery. doing everything right isn't bad, but it's impossible. i realize that seeing ppl's hearts despite their actions, is more christian than judging those actions, no matter how right i may be. God help me disentangle the laws from my heart.
you wanna talk about legalism? about being a pharisee? about living without loving? you can ask me. i was probably one of the worst, because my thirst for biblical knowledge gave me a big head and i was surprised at how fast i was "growing" in my faith. i assumed my relatively quick intellectual absorbtion of scriptural truths meant i was also ingesting them in my heart. i was wrong. "God detests pride but gives grace to the humble." THAT'S all over the bible, but somehow i didn't catch that one.
i don't remember a lot of those laws anymore, and i'm glad. i guess you could call me a recovering legalist. and i hope i continue my recovery. doing everything right isn't bad, but it's impossible. i realize that seeing ppl's hearts despite their actions, is more christian than judging those actions, no matter how right i may be. God help me disentangle the laws from my heart.
lucy
aww man...i'm so full i can't sleep. actually...i'm so full i can't even LIE DOWN. ugh. lucy's so big you can't tell where she begins and ends.
one of the great things about having eman's parents visit is that we always get to eat great korean food with them. they're here for the rest of the week, so i wonder how many more nites i'll have like this one, where i'm blogging at a god-forsaken hour simply because i can't be in a horizontal position.
food is so deceitful. it beckons you, tempts you, entices you, and eventually you're so engrossed with the aroma and the flavor of it that you can't hear your belly screaming, "STOP!!!" i dunno when lucy started screaming at me earlier tonite, but i must not have heard her for a good 45 minutes at least.
[groan] i deserve this ungodly indigestive punishment. i forsook sound reason and threw myself into gluttonous habits this nite, for which, this is the consequence i must bear. <=(
one of the great things about having eman's parents visit is that we always get to eat great korean food with them. they're here for the rest of the week, so i wonder how many more nites i'll have like this one, where i'm blogging at a god-forsaken hour simply because i can't be in a horizontal position.
food is so deceitful. it beckons you, tempts you, entices you, and eventually you're so engrossed with the aroma and the flavor of it that you can't hear your belly screaming, "STOP!!!" i dunno when lucy started screaming at me earlier tonite, but i must not have heard her for a good 45 minutes at least.
[groan] i deserve this ungodly indigestive punishment. i forsook sound reason and threw myself into gluttonous habits this nite, for which, this is the consequence i must bear. <=(
Friday, July 23, 2004
d'uh!
summers in pasadena are freakin' HOT. so hot, in fact, that since i don't have central air, i can't sleep. my room temperature goes up to over 100 degrees. no joke. so in light of all this, eman thoughtfully bought me a small air conditioner for my room. [i already have a unit in my living area.] i've been sleeping soundly since, and today after work when i ran into my building manager i started to rave about it.
-------------------------------
"oh you gotta get one carroll!"
"yah, i think i will. you know, you should get a board for your window soon. they can cut one for you at osh or home depot..."
"it makes such a big difference!"
"...you just have to give them the measurements..."
"and it wasn't as expensive as i thought it to be."
"...and they cut it while you wait..."
"you can get a smaller one at costco for a like hundred bucks!"
"actually, if you go before they close today you can put it in your window tonite. i can help you if you like."
"put what in my window?"
"the board."
"oh yah." [pause] "why do i need a board in my window?"
[awkward pause as she stares at me]
"um...to keep in the cold air? so you don't waste it?"
[pause] "oh yah! right! i guess that makes sense."
[awkward pause as she stares at me]
"well, it was nice chatting with you hannah. have a good evening."
-------------------------------
man i feel so blond.
-------------------------------
"oh you gotta get one carroll!"
"yah, i think i will. you know, you should get a board for your window soon. they can cut one for you at osh or home depot..."
"it makes such a big difference!"
"...you just have to give them the measurements..."
"and it wasn't as expensive as i thought it to be."
"...and they cut it while you wait..."
"you can get a smaller one at costco for a like hundred bucks!"
"actually, if you go before they close today you can put it in your window tonite. i can help you if you like."
"put what in my window?"
"the board."
"oh yah." [pause] "why do i need a board in my window?"
[awkward pause as she stares at me]
"um...to keep in the cold air? so you don't waste it?"
[pause] "oh yah! right! i guess that makes sense."
[awkward pause as she stares at me]
"well, it was nice chatting with you hannah. have a good evening."
-------------------------------
man i feel so blond.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
green card
how often do you have really embarrassing moments? i mean...the REALLY bad kind...the kind where you're kicking yourself ALL day and want to avoid people. i had one a couple weeks ago when i went in to renew my green card. [yes, green card. no, i'm not a citizen yet. and no, that's not why i'm marrying emmanuel.]
so when i get there, i sign in with the security guard/immigration official. he mentions how my name is hebrew. i smile, nod in acknowledgement, and sit down to wait for my name or number to be called. i'm anxious to get this whole process started coz my current green card has expired. so i wait...and wait...and wait. i call my art director to let her know that i'm going to be much later than i anticipated. she graciously tells me to take the day off if i don't get called soon. what's the point of me working for just a couple of hours on a friday? i thank her profusely. so i go back and continue waiting. and i've started to notice that every so often, a small, middle-aged lady steps up with a clipboard and calls out, "li-hon! li-hon!" she does this several times, and i'm wondering, "who the hell is this li-hon dude and where is he? what...did he change his mind about his green card and bail? he's holding everyone up! i've been here for hours!!!"
and then...
the security guard/immigration official...the one who recognized the origin of my name as hebrew...comes up to me and says, "uh...hannah...i think she's calling you." i'm totally confused. "really? me?" so i go up to her and check her clipboard. "Last Name: LEE, First Name: HAN, Middle Initial: N" i get it now. my legal name is Lee, Han Nah. she had been calling "LEE, HAN" not "Li-Hon" so she had been calling ME this WHOLE TIME. what makes it worse was that i was the only one in that huge, packed room without a translater by my side because i was fluent in english. and i was the one who didn't recognize my own name!! i just about died on the spot.
so when i get there, i sign in with the security guard/immigration official. he mentions how my name is hebrew. i smile, nod in acknowledgement, and sit down to wait for my name or number to be called. i'm anxious to get this whole process started coz my current green card has expired. so i wait...and wait...and wait. i call my art director to let her know that i'm going to be much later than i anticipated. she graciously tells me to take the day off if i don't get called soon. what's the point of me working for just a couple of hours on a friday? i thank her profusely. so i go back and continue waiting. and i've started to notice that every so often, a small, middle-aged lady steps up with a clipboard and calls out, "li-hon! li-hon!" she does this several times, and i'm wondering, "who the hell is this li-hon dude and where is he? what...did he change his mind about his green card and bail? he's holding everyone up! i've been here for hours!!!"
and then...
the security guard/immigration official...the one who recognized the origin of my name as hebrew...comes up to me and says, "uh...hannah...i think she's calling you." i'm totally confused. "really? me?" so i go up to her and check her clipboard. "Last Name: LEE, First Name: HAN, Middle Initial: N" i get it now. my legal name is Lee, Han Nah. she had been calling "LEE, HAN" not "Li-Hon" so she had been calling ME this WHOLE TIME. what makes it worse was that i was the only one in that huge, packed room without a translater by my side because i was fluent in english. and i was the one who didn't recognize my own name!! i just about died on the spot.
so here i am...
...doing the public journaling thing. i'm such a sucker... =P
actually, since i'm turning 30 this year, and since i'm always thinking/journaling anyway, i thought i'd take a step and brave baring my soul. well...most of my soul anyway. i'm warning you though...i'm not really the type to write about funny stories. i'm much more introspective and serious. so if that sounds unappealing to you, or if you're easily bored, don't read my blog. but if you've ever been or currently are curious about me and how i tick, read on. and feel free to comment too. =)
actually, since i'm turning 30 this year, and since i'm always thinking/journaling anyway, i thought i'd take a step and brave baring my soul. well...most of my soul anyway. i'm warning you though...i'm not really the type to write about funny stories. i'm much more introspective and serious. so if that sounds unappealing to you, or if you're easily bored, don't read my blog. but if you've ever been or currently are curious about me and how i tick, read on. and feel free to comment too. =)
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