last nite i dreamt a myriad of dreams, set off by what i had been reading online about asia's recent tsunami. in my dream i was floating around the different parts that were affected. i flew there as quickly as i could but...i was invisible, and therefore of no use. when i stretched out my hands to help lift part of a roof for a woman who was looking for her child, the roof went through my hands. i watched helplessly as she struggled to lift, but to no avail. she eventually left despondent. i was screaming at her not to give up, to run and get some assistance, even yelling at her to come over to where i was and try lifting from my position instead. but she couldn't hear me, or see me, or sense my presence there in the least. as she was walking away i heard the faint cry of a baby and buckled to my knees in tears. i woke up to the sound of rain drops hammering down my window.

i know there isn't much tangible help we can give from here, but if you'd like to donate some money for the relief effort, please visit:
http://www.networkforgood.org/topics/international/earthquake/tsunami122604.aspx

Slogan of the Year

"Where need meets greed."

- Crate and Barrel Outlet
crateandbarrel.com

back to reality?

so a few things have happened since last i blogged: i almost had a nervous breakdown from the politics & turmoil of wedding planning, i got hitched, and i went to hawaii w/my new [egads!] husband. and now we're back and it's CHRISTMAS!!! YAY!!! =D

lessons learned:
* if you wanna spend a lot of time with visiting friends and family, have a destination wedding. this whole thing of getting married and then going off on the honeymoon only affords you a couple of hours [if that] to spend with the people you've been missing.
* as much as possible, only invite those you really want to be there...those who have at some point or another, touched your heart. if the families demand you invite people you don't even know, tell them there's a gift minimum they have to meet.
* HAVE ALCOHOL AT THE RECEPTION. our catering coordinator mercifully filled our glasses with champagne [no one knew it wasn't cider] and it was an absolute godsend. if there's no way you can pull something like that off, go get drunk afterwards.
* hide tissues down the front of your dress. i know it sounds crass, but you need something other than your hand and your new spouse's hand to wipe away all the snot that accumulates from crying when saying your vows. =)
* if going horseback riding on your honeymoon, save it for the LAST day. think about it.

it doesn't seem like i was ever in hawaii. actually, the whole thing...the ceremony, reception, honeymoon...is all a blur. i'm just SO glad the planning part is all over. a part of me just wants to get back to living my life, but recently, there's developed another part of me that is questioning the kind of life i'd be going back to, and the kind of life i want or am called to. maybe it's because my 5 year anniversary at smartpages is coming up soon...maybe it's because i recently turned 30...still maybe it's because i just got married...but whatever the reason[s], i am feeling naseausly unsettled. something's not...right. i mean, everything's good, don't get me wrong, but something is waiting for me...it's so hard to explain. i feel like i must move towards it. but to move towards it means i have to first let go of certain established things in my life. and the strange thing is, i feel like some of those established things are already letting go of me. ugh. i wish i could articulate this. i had been feeling this way for a few months now, but have been waiting to see if it would dissipate. it has not. instead, the intensity of it has grown. it's unchartered territory for me. i have an idea, a vision in a sense, of where this first step may eventually lead, and it's nowhere comfortable. but even still, i'm drawn to it more and more...it's a step that'll change the course of the rest of my life, i'm sure. but is it just my imagination? i'm prone to over-dramatizing my thoughts. more importantly, is it something that God wants me to do? i'll have to lean on my faith more than ever. it's exciting and paralyzing at the same time. but then again...i've been standing still so long...is this step the remedy to my spiritual atrophy?

just following the rules

just about 20 minutes ago, one of my neighbors popped her head in to say hello. we chatted for a bit, and then out of nowhere she says, "so, you and emmanuel are gonna move in together now huh?" and i said, "no, not yet. i'm moving first and he's gonna move in after the wedding." to which she replied, "oh. wow, you guys really follow the rules." and i dunno why, but at that moment i just felt really awkward. i wasn't sure how to respond to it, so i just said, "well, no...i mean, i guess we try." and then there was this wierd pause and she said, "okey, well see yah later" and left.

i never know how to respond to ppl who think christianity is just about "following the rules." as far as i know, most ppl don't like rules...they like freedom. christians are no exception. but how do you explain that you DON'T want to move in together before the wedding? how do you explain that you actually WANT to abstain til after the wedding? how do you explain that without being made to look like some kind of freak? the fact that i'm christian doesn't mean i always follow all the rules. heck, ask anybody who really knows me! =P

locusts

i recall a promise from God in Scripture: "...i will restore back to you the years the locusts have eaten."

ironically [or maybe not] my current apt sits on a street called locust. and it's odd that i moved in 2 years ago, right before my major depression, and am moving out now, with a very different life ahead of me and a very different perspective. what i find amazing is just how faithful He is to His word. He speaks of restoration, and He has been slowly restoring me indeed. maybe it's just sheer coincidence that i lived on locust while i was being plagued by locusts emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. or maybe it's just one of the many ways He shows me He loves me.

what the #$^*!

it's official. there will be no wine or dancing at our reception, so the reception will be VERY short. it specifically says "cocktails" on the invites but there's nothing i can do about it. i know in the grand scheme of things this is totally unimportant, but i just never imagined that my wedding wouldn't have wine OR dancing. ugh. i'm really loving this cage that his parents are putting us into. i've always enjoyed feeling jailed up and controlled, don't you? ugh. i know i know..."just swallow it and move on hannah, it's not a big deal." i'm so pissed though that i wanna just go out and buy a white tux for the reception. a DESIGNER white tux!!! and have HIS parents pay for it!!!

eventful

this morning eman and i got our marriage license.
this afternoon we bought furniture.

whoa.

i dunno

i've been asked why i keep blogging and deleting, blogging and deleting. it's coz i feel badly when i blog to vent, and i don't want anyone hurt by reading it, so after i vent it, i delete it. i know...then why blog? i dunno. why do i do half the things that i do? i dunno.

musings

ever wonder how a snot forms in your nose? we all know it forms pretty quickly...but how? do the fibers just start connecting and connecting until they form a hard net that traps the mucus? if there's a lot of mucus, does it overpower the fibrous net and then start forming large irregular shapes? and as soon as you fish one out, does the whole thing start over again? with the fibers joining together to form a net?

work ethic

rubadubdub
i'm boiling to death in this damn tub
of deadlines and mockups and updates and more
my ass is now permanently sore
it doesn't matter how fast i work i'm still too slow
by the end of the week i'll have grown a 'fro
and the bags under my eyes will hang down 'lo
and you won't recognize me no 'mo

runningonandon

all the days and nites are running into each other. last week i worked 6 days, and during the week i stayed til 8 or 9pm. my only break was thurs and fri when i had ice cream w/nick, and small group and then a girls' nite out at this fab korean restaurant. i hate when it gets like this at work. it's simply exhausting. i'm finding that i have less patience with ppl now too, coz i'm so tired. yesterday [well, tuesday] i came home around 9:30pm. isn't that like 12hrs? i didn't even take a lunch break...just ate at my desk. i'd like to be able to come home and have several hours to myself to get caught up on stuff...ppl, bills, chores, wedding planning...and i wanna blog about my 30th and my trip to ensenada...but those entries are likely to be long and thoughtful and i just don't have the energy to articulate all my thoughts and emotions right now. ugh. i'm so freaking tired. i'll be working like this for at least another week, maybe two. man...my coffee intake is about to triple...

good nite world.

backtrack

allow me to rewind a bit...i turned 30 a couple of weeks ago...more than a landmark or benchmark for me...it's the prize at the end of what seems like a very long journey. i had some friends join me for the weekend in la jolla...a perfect way to start off my thirties. it's the most extravagant thing i've ever done for a birthday of mine, and i relished every second. my last entry was a poem i had written a few months ago. it's what i feel about turning 30, being 30, living out my thirties. the main thing i feel i've learned and will discover even more of, is freedom. not the rebellious, immature, shaking-my-fist-at-God kind [been there, done that!] but the kind that comes from being honest with myself, and allowing God to love me fully, faults and all.

this is the first time in my life where i feel like i can accept myself because God accepts me. this is the first time in my life where i know both in my heart and my head that God is slowly working in me, the first time in my life where i don't feel that He's distant and weary of me, but rather, happy that i just want to be near Him. it's a trippy, heady sensation. i've never done drugs, but i imagine it's something like this. what a phenomenon. i've learned many lessons from my twenties, and someday i will write all of them down and read them over in my old age, chuckling to myself at my foolishness, wondering why i was such a stubborn ass.

then again, i might just die as stubborn an ass as i am now.

yah. that seems more realistic.

recap: labor day weekend in ensenada

the primary feeling i had throughout the weekend was helplessness. if hearts could bleed, i'm sure mine would. i wasn't surprised by the poverty, but i was surprised at my reaction. it's hard to come back to the states and resume normal living, when i know that normal living for those is mexico is so much harder. my world is very surreal and unimportant and extraneous. what we consider "hard circumstances" here seem like a joke in light of their day-to-day circumstances.

i'm sure i sound like everyone else who's returned from a missions trip, whether it's their first or twenty-first. what i found most frustrating was the language barrier...i so wanted to communicate with the children. but the best i could do was stroke a little girl's face in my hands...isabella...and ask her how old she was. isabella didn't have shoes. neither did any of her playmates. but they relished their playtime. i observed quietly as they came two by two, curious to see what we were painting, and tentatively starting to play with the paint themselves...painting the crystal geyser waterbottles we gave them [sometimes still full of water] and each other and dunking their hands in the bucket of paintwater...thoroughly relishing every bit of the experience. some of them were brave enough to come up to us and show us their bright pieces of "artbottles" and then ask for more bottles! =)

when i have children...IF i have children...i want to take them down there with me on a yearly basis. i want them to know how removed our lives can be from the realities of our neighbors. i want them to grow up grateful and compassionate. i want them to be more concerned with the giving instead of the getting. so often we complain about not having the finer things in life while others in the world find joy in the humblest.

i wholeheartedly expected to come back from ensenada spiritually uplifted and emotionally fulfilled. intead, i returned to the states spiritually dry and emotionally unsatisfied. one little weekend of labor by a handful of americans isn't much. i'm ashamed i once thought of the trip as a "good experience" for me, when it isn't about me at all.

Jesus in Blue Jeans

my jesus in blue jeans
is laughing at me.
i think he finds me charming.
i'm happy to amuse him.

he's driving.
i'm in the passenger seat
of the convertible.
red, of course.
nothing fancy.
an older, vintage model.
[jesus and i,
we love the vintage models.]

he's speeding.
no, gliding
down the shore.
the sand gets kicked up behind us
while the waves crash beside us,
and i'm telling a story
the story of my life
and he's listening
as he drives.

every now and then
he'll turn his head
and nod
or smile
or look at me pained with compassion.
but then i'll say something bright and funny
and he'll laugh at me again.

my jesus in blue jeans
is a good driver.
he lets me relax and talk with ease.
the wind doesn't even bother me
coz i'm finally here with my jesus
and it's our time now
and he's listening to me.

at last i'm done with my talking
and he looks at me
and i look back
and he smiles his approval.
so i get up, out of the passenger seat
to the back seat [car still moving]
and sit on the hard top.

the wind's blowing harder up there,
but i don't care.
i stretch out my arms
releasing
smiling
as my jesus in blue jeans is driving,
me to Freedom.

=|

oh gawed...i'm still at work. somebody get me the hell outta here. =(

nick: thanks for blogging about how much fun you're having over there and about all the good food you're eating. and in case you're wondering...i'm not jealous at all! [crosses fingers behind back] =P

a nice start

early today nick called me at work to tell me about his awesome morning. he was at usc, and he had just signed up for all the classes he wanted, found out that he was getting more scholarship money than he anticipated, and resolved what could have been an uncomfortable & professionaly sticky situation. AND he was excited about going to new york tonite. it was nice to hear him so happy. it actually made my day brighter too. so today had a nice start to it. a happy friend called with happy news and shared his happiness with me. so simple, yet few things are sweeter. I'M GLAD YOU HAD A HAPPY DAY NICK! HAVE FUN IN NY!!! =D

the burden of envy

today's small group discussion was on envy. unfortunately, i slept through the first part of it. [sorry derrick!] but the rest of the discussion was good. it was relatively easy to talk about, since envy is something we've all experienced. ppl shared about the things they envy most. most of us agreed that above material things, what we envy the most are healthy, intimate, strong relationships. the kind between family members and close friends and significant others. some come from rough backgrounds/families, and always envied friends' home lives. others come from that type of enviable family, yet was sheltered as a result and found it difficult to adjust to real-world realities. some have yet to experience a healthy, loving relationship with someone of the opposite sex, while others long for intimacy in their friendships. and of course, we also talked about envying a person's lot in life...money, security, education, social status, etc. but all that paled when compared to enviable relationships. it's easier to live without the material than to live with the lonliness.

chest hair

the other nite i dreamt i grew chest hair. it was a rite of passage, and being the first one among my peers to grow this awe-inspiring hair, i was immensely proud. so proud, that i flashed my chest to everybody from my coworkers to my neighbors. everyone who saw the chest hair oohed and aahed. i know what you're thinking. but apparently either my boobs were completely covered in chest hair or they shrunk and disappeared altogether, because they didn't impress anybody. it was all about the chest hair.

paradigm shift

this weekend seems to have had a theme. a theme about performing vs. investing. the premarital counselor that eman and i have been seeing [dr. joshua] said something that struck me on saturday. he said, "you don't have to." he was referring to my frantic efforts of pleasing my future parents-in-law. he was trying to get across to me that what i do in how i try to please/appease them is not important. my relationship with them is. and on sunday, at mosaic church, pastor erwin said, "nothing is more important to God than people. he sent his only son for us...for people. Jesus' ministry was people. if you don't invest yourself in people, you're wasting you're life." [paraphrased] one of my problems is that i've always tried to perform perfectly...to fulfill my various roles as perfectly as possible. and when i feel like i failed...as a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a friend, etc...i would feel this enormous guilt for not being better, for not being more perfect, and i would berate myself endlessly. but you know what...it's just not possible. i know this sounds lame coming from a 29 year old, but i always thought perfection was the only way other ppl would love me. if i was perfect in my roles and efforts, they wouldn't have a reason NOT to love me, or a reason to hurt me. but that's retarded. because i'm flawed. and i don't have to be perfect [or even close to it] to appease ppl or maintain relationships. that's not what real relationships are about. it's not about keeping score...who gives more and who doesn't. that would make for a very shallow relationship. real relationships involve risks and forgiveness and sacrifice, and when given freely, without the expectation of it being returned, these relationships give freedom and deeply rooted love. the really important ppl in my life won't hold my imperfections against me, and i won't hold theirs against them. they'll look at my heart more than my actions or lack thereof. they'll be patient and gracious with my imperfections because they love me for who i am and who i strive to be. and they won't punish me or secretly hold a grudge just because i don't act/react the way they think i should. i can't please everybody, and that's okey, because that's not a burden i need to bear. as dr. joshua said, i "don't have to" perform. and as pastor erwin said, i need to invest.

a sudden stop

this past weekend was good yet draining. i stamped for four hours on sat and made three cards, which i was pleased with. then i worked on a flyer for the children's ministry of my church, which seemed to take forever. [it's always hard to come up with an idea, but once you decide on a design and can start the process, things are much smoother.] i stayed up til the wee hours sat nite/sun morning, so i was exhausted all day sunday. but i was able to check out mosaic church w/eman and derrick [our small group facilitator] and that was pretty good, even though i was dozing off during the service. we went to curry house afterwards for dinner, and i dunno if it was the food there or what but i had MAJOR runs all evening. so in addition to being physically tired from lack of sleep, i was also physically tired from going to the bathroom every half hour. and then i hear that my uncle had a heart attack. he's alright...they're keeping him in the hospital for observation. his son is studying to become a surgeon, so i know he'll be well taken care of when he comes home from the hospital. i'm not particularly close to this uncle, but i know him to be a well-respected, generous man. i couldn't help but think about his family...my aunt and my cousins...and how something like this must affect them. theirs hasn't been an easy road. the daughter of the family, my cousin khrystyne, is living in korea. she's been there for several years now and is a very successful businesswoman. but i know, that her heart aches to be with her family. she's so much farther away from her parents than i am from mine. i would be scared shitless to learn that my father had a heart attack...scared and helpless. i can't imagine how much those feelings must be magnified for her.

the news of my uncle's heart attack came as a complete surprise. my parents never said anything to me about his health, so i assumed he was just fine. he never looked weak or tired to me. for some reason though, when i got the news, even though i knew it wasn't fatal...that he was going to be okey...i just stopped. all of a sudden, i felt like i was standing still while everything else was going at full speed around me. and a million things ran through my head all at once...his family, our extended family, my grandmother [who's almost 90 and lives alone], my own parents' health issues, my sister [who's coming to grips with a very difficult decision], my cousin luke who's in the air force and is thankfully being stationed in sacramento, my cousin lisa and her husband troy who are living away from all their family and friends in las vegas, my future parents-in-law who are at a conference in korea [and who we have yet to hear from], my future brother and sister-in-law and their own personal struggle, some of my friends who are dealing with difficult issues, people in my small group, people who i haven't seen lately and miss terribly, and lastly...work and wedding. i was disgusted that those last two things even entered my thoughts. my mind has been so consumed with work drama [thank you to those who let me vent!] and wedding planning [thank you to those who let me go on and on!] and today, i...just...wanted...to...STOP. so i emailed in sick. i really just wanted to be alone. unfortunately tomorrow morning i'll have to get up extra early to try to make up for today. but that's okey. work is work. it'll get done whether it's me doing the work or someone else. my presence there doesn't add anything to the company. it is not who i am, and it is not what God made me for. and the wedding will get planned. i don't need to dwell on all the things i haven't done yet. i just need to tackle one thing at a time.

"omg you've gotten so CHUBBY!!!"

WTF?!?

maybe it's an asian thing, but lately i've had a few relatives chastize me for letting myself go. i'm like, "letting myself go? what am i, 500 lbs and bed-ridden? i still fit into regular clothes don't i?!" i guess it's because the wedding's coming up and they want me to look like a princess. [um...excuse me, but NOT every woman getting hitched WANTS to look like a princess. NOT every woman wants a tiara to go with her veil, and NOT every woman wants to wear a ballgown for 6+ hrs! but that's another story.] whatever the reason, i've been told that it's a woman's responsibility to look good for her husband, lest his eyes start to wander. i agree with that. wives have the priviledge of looking sexy for their husbands. it's a perk of marriage. but i don't think sexy only comes in a size 2. i used to actually be a size 0 back in college. [nick, you remember right?] but gawed, that was COLLEGE. it's been 12 years already! MESSAGE TO RELATIVES: i'm NEVER going to be a size 0 again!!! GET OVER IT AND STOP BOTHERING ME!!! i swear, i want to drown myself in krispy kremes just to rebel. it's one thing if they'd be nice and gentle and caring about it...like, tell me they're concerned about my health or tell me i need to start exercising to get my body in shape for a future pregnancy, etc...but NO! they say things like, "you don't want emmanuel to notice other women, do you?" i'd like to say, "well yes, actually, i would. since i notice other men, it's only fair that he's allowed to notice other women, don't you think?" but i dunno how to say all that in korean. >=|

archery

i'm so excited! my friend jean told me about a group of ppl who meet every sat morning to practice archery! right here in pasadena! and they give lessons too! FOR FREEEEEE!!! =D i'm gonna start going in sept! they meet at lower arroyo seco park, which is just below the rose bowl, from 9-11am. since i go to the rose bowl to walk every sat morning w/susan anyway, i can just go to the archery field right after! it's too perfect!!! =D =D =D God bless america!!!

taste test

last thursday eman and i went to oxy to taste some entree and cake options for our wedding. the food was so yummy!!! i hope our guests like it! i loved the cake! i would kept eating it if i hadn't been so full from trying all the entrees and salads. oh yah, their salads are awesome! i HATE greens, but i ate all of my portions! yum yum... =)

during the tasting, oxy's wedding coordinator asked us questions about the food and other things for the wedding day. afterwards we went through the dining hall and patio again to go over table and decor setups. i took more pictures. i even took one of the womens' restroom! being there and tasting the food and going through the venue made it feel more real for the both of us. we were like, "whoa. we're gettin' hitched here in a few months." [well, that's what i was thinking. eman's thoughts were probably more along the lines of, "wow. we're going to be getting married on these premises in a relatively short amount of time."] anyway, it was really nice there. especially at dusk. there were hardly any ppl around so the campus was very peaceful. aaah. i hope that's how our wedding will be...fun, relaxed...peaceful.

catwoman

RULES!!!

i don't care what the critics say. okey, so the story was incredibly stupid and shallow. but who's gonna watch it for the story?!? halle berry kicked ass and she looked damn good doing it! i can't wait for the DVD...

origin of pain

"...but I also am aware that before the first sign of trouble hit, the majority of my faith was based on what I had read about God in books and not on my own experiences with Him. Facing pain also made me face the reality that maybe God wasn’t who I thought He was after all, and through the trials my faith has been made real and my trust in God has been strengthened.

Sometimes God will take clay and break down the current mold to make something more beautiful. God will mold us and this molding is not from a God who seeks to destroy, but rather from a God who loves to heal."

-----------------------

i agree with the above, but i can't help but wonder if the author is suggesting all pain is from God. i don't believe that it is, although when i experience pain personally the first thing i do is shake my fist at God. it's hard to distinguish pain that is a natural consequence of my own willful actions and pain that is a result of someone/something else altogether. i'm just glad that whatever the origin of pain, God can use it to make me more beautiful and reflect His glory.

the beach

i took a last-minute personal day yesterday to spend time w/eman's folks before they left for korea. [they left this morning.] it was nice to be away from the office in the middle of the week. we took them to eat crab at redondo beach coz eman's dad loves crabs. we had a large plate of sashimi too, which was really yummy! being near the ocean made me feel so different. i'm definitely more an ocean girl than a mountain girl. something about the waves and the water and the sand...they always stir something inside of me. yesterday in particular i felt a sense of astonishment and wonder. for some ppl going up to the mountains makes them feel closer to God. i feel that way when i'm near the ocean.

i have a good friend at work who always talks about working to help the poor. i really admire that about her. we've talked about wanting to do something more meaningful in life...something more substantial than trying to live the much-hyped "american dream." we both have seen poverty in our native countries and have come back to our homes in the states uncomfortable with our comparative wealth. so we talk about spending the rest of our days in service to those who lack resources, knowledge, and power. we have no idea how to start, but it's always in the backs of our minds. and we agree God will lead us to it when the timing is right. we just don't know when that will be. well, yesterday at the beach, i felt like my days of working to survive and to prove my independence/self-sufficiency [i guess i'll have to go into why i feel like i need to prove my independence later] will soon draw to a close. i'm not saying i'm going to fly off to a 3rd world country to start an orphanage [yet] and i'm not saying i plan to stop working once i'm married, but i feel like it needs to be a different kind of work. maybe i'll design part-time and use the rest of my time to focus more on ministry, or maybe i'll start freelancing for non-profit orgs/churches/etc. i dunno exactly. but i do know that i want to shift my work focus. my attitude at work has been really bad for a while now and although i feel terrible about it, i don't exactly know what to do. i've been praying about it too...praying that God will help me to change my attitude. but i'm starting to feel like an outsider there regardless, and i guess i'm confused...i'm not sure how to handle that feeling or even why i'm feeling that way if i'm praying NOT to feel that way. sometimes it's scary when you feel like you're standing on the precipice of a life change. i don't know where God is leading/will lead me to next, but i feel like He's nudging me...somewhere. i just hope i will follow and not remain stationary out of my fear of the unknown.

nathan

my cousin's wife just gave birth to a healthy baby boy! they named him nathan, and this is their second child. since their first child, my niece nicole, was born deaf, they were anxious about this baby. would he be able to hear? please God, let this child hear. and yes! he passed his hearing tests with flying colors! praise God! =D

running shoes

I GOT RUNNING SHOES!!! i'm so happy! =D for the past several saturdays now, when i go to the rose bowl with susan, i have to watch her run off while i lag behind, walking the whole 3 miles instead of jogging because of my shoes. they cause me so much pain that i can only run for a few feet and by the time i'm at the end, i have blisters. but susan told me about this place at paseo colorado that custom fit ppl into running shoes, so i went there and bought a pair! they're white & navy adidas bostons and they're SOOO comfortable! i came home and put them on right away! =D the true test will be this saturday when we get to the bowl of course, but right now, it literally feels like i'm walking on clouds. =) thanks for the referral susan!

motivation

whenever eman and i get into an argument and i start pointing out his inconsistencies, he always asks, "so what's your point hannah? are you trying to prove to me how right you are and how wrong i am? what's your motivation for pointing these things out?" and it always frustrates me, because, of course, i DON'T want to be doing that, but the fact that he can see how i AM doing that unnerves me. but still, i'm glad that he does it too, because i think it keeps my ego in check. it makes me think about my true motives, and it forces me to look at things from his perspective. i guess although i hate it, i realize i need it.

law lover

it's amazing how one can go from loving something to hating it. i used to love laws. i mean, the "christian" ones. there are lots of them, so organizing them in my mind was sometimes difficult, but still, i liked leafing through my mental files and pulling out the one[s] i specifically needed in a given situation. sometimes that situation was about me making a decision, and other times it was about me judging somebody. either way, that mental logbook came in pretty handy, coz it enabled me to feel pretty good about myself. by making a decision based on those laws, i could feel good about myself for making the "right" decision. by judging others by them i could feel good about myself for making a "righteous" judgement [and pat myself on the back for not being like them]. at the end of the day, those "Christ-centered" laws justified everything i did, said, and thought, because those laws made me right. and being right was the most important thing. if i hurt someone's feelings, i could avoid the guilt by reminding myself, "well, at least i'm right!" being right meant i didn't have to answer to anyone, didn't have to apologize to anyone, didn't have to be sensitive to anyone, didn't have to look inward and question whether or not i was being a hypocrite, because i was right. being right justified every self-motivated and arrogant thing about me.

you wanna talk about legalism? about being a pharisee? about living without loving? you can ask me. i was probably one of the worst, because my thirst for biblical knowledge gave me a big head and i was surprised at how fast i was "growing" in my faith. i assumed my relatively quick intellectual absorbtion of scriptural truths meant i was also ingesting them in my heart. i was wrong. "God detests pride but gives grace to the humble." THAT'S all over the bible, but somehow i didn't catch that one.

i don't remember a lot of those laws anymore, and i'm glad. i guess you could call me a recovering legalist. and i hope i continue my recovery. doing everything right isn't bad, but it's impossible. i realize that seeing ppl's hearts despite their actions, is more christian than judging those actions, no matter how right i may be. God help me disentangle the laws from my heart.

lucy

aww man...i'm so full i can't sleep. actually...i'm so full i can't even LIE DOWN. ugh. lucy's so big you can't tell where she begins and ends.

one of the great things about having eman's parents visit is that we always get to eat great korean food with them. they're here for the rest of the week, so i wonder how many more nites i'll have like this one, where i'm blogging at a god-forsaken hour simply because i can't be in a horizontal position.

food is so deceitful. it beckons you, tempts you, entices you, and eventually you're so engrossed with the aroma and the flavor of it that you can't hear your belly screaming, "STOP!!!" i dunno when lucy started screaming at me earlier tonite, but i must not have heard her for a good 45 minutes at least.

[groan] i deserve this ungodly indigestive punishment. i forsook sound reason and threw myself into gluttonous habits this nite, for which, this is the consequence i must bear. <=(

d'uh!

summers in pasadena are freakin' HOT. so hot, in fact, that since i don't have central air, i can't sleep. my room temperature goes up to over 100 degrees. no joke. so in light of all this, eman thoughtfully bought me a small air conditioner for my room. [i already have a unit in my living area.] i've been sleeping soundly since, and today after work when i ran into my building manager i started to rave about it.

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"oh you gotta get one carroll!"

"yah, i think i will. you know, you should get a board for your window soon. they can cut one for you at osh or home depot..."

"it makes such a big difference!"

"...you just have to give them the measurements..."

"and it wasn't as expensive as i thought it to be."

"...and they cut it while you wait..."

"you can get a smaller one at costco for a like hundred bucks!"

"actually, if you go before they close today you can put it in your window tonite. i can help you if you like."

"put what in my window?"

"the board."

"oh yah." [pause] "why do i need a board in my window?"

[awkward pause as she stares at me]

"um...to keep in the cold air? so you don't waste it?"

[pause] "oh yah! right! i guess that makes sense."

[awkward pause as she stares at me]

"well, it was nice chatting with you hannah. have a good evening."

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man i feel so blond.

special delivery

MY DRESS HAS ARRIVED!!! =D

shit! now i have to exercise! <=O

green card

how often do you have really embarrassing moments? i mean...the REALLY bad kind...the kind where you're kicking yourself ALL day and want to avoid people. i had one a couple weeks ago when i went in to renew my green card. [yes, green card. no, i'm not a citizen yet. and no, that's not why i'm marrying emmanuel.]

so when i get there, i sign in with the security guard/immigration official. he mentions how my name is hebrew. i smile, nod in acknowledgement, and sit down to wait for my name or number to be called. i'm anxious to get this whole process started coz my current green card has expired. so i wait...and wait...and wait. i call my art director to let her know that i'm going to be much later than i anticipated. she graciously tells me to take the day off if i don't get called soon. what's the point of me working for just a couple of hours on a friday? i thank her profusely. so i go back and continue waiting. and i've started to notice that every so often, a small, middle-aged lady steps up with a clipboard and calls out, "li-hon! li-hon!" she does this several times, and i'm wondering, "who the hell is this li-hon dude and where is he? what...did he change his mind about his green card and bail? he's holding everyone up! i've been here for hours!!!"

and then...

the security guard/immigration official...the one who recognized the origin of my name as hebrew...comes up to me and says, "uh...hannah...i think she's calling you." i'm totally confused. "really? me?" so i go up to her and check her clipboard. "Last Name: LEE, First Name: HAN, Middle Initial: N" i get it now. my legal name is Lee, Han Nah. she had been calling "LEE, HAN" not "Li-Hon" so she had been calling ME this WHOLE TIME. what makes it worse was that i was the only one in that huge, packed room without a translater by my side because i was fluent in english. and i was the one who didn't recognize my own name!! i just about died on the spot.

so here i am...

...doing the public journaling thing. i'm such a sucker... =P

actually, since i'm turning 30 this year, and since i'm always thinking/journaling anyway, i thought i'd take a step and brave baring my soul. well...most of my soul anyway. i'm warning you though...i'm not really the type to write about funny stories. i'm much more introspective and serious. so if that sounds unappealing to you, or if you're easily bored, don't read my blog. but if you've ever been or currently are curious about me and how i tick, read on. and feel free to comment too. =)