the beach

i took a last-minute personal day yesterday to spend time w/eman's folks before they left for korea. [they left this morning.] it was nice to be away from the office in the middle of the week. we took them to eat crab at redondo beach coz eman's dad loves crabs. we had a large plate of sashimi too, which was really yummy! being near the ocean made me feel so different. i'm definitely more an ocean girl than a mountain girl. something about the waves and the water and the sand...they always stir something inside of me. yesterday in particular i felt a sense of astonishment and wonder. for some ppl going up to the mountains makes them feel closer to God. i feel that way when i'm near the ocean.

i have a good friend at work who always talks about working to help the poor. i really admire that about her. we've talked about wanting to do something more meaningful in life...something more substantial than trying to live the much-hyped "american dream." we both have seen poverty in our native countries and have come back to our homes in the states uncomfortable with our comparative wealth. so we talk about spending the rest of our days in service to those who lack resources, knowledge, and power. we have no idea how to start, but it's always in the backs of our minds. and we agree God will lead us to it when the timing is right. we just don't know when that will be. well, yesterday at the beach, i felt like my days of working to survive and to prove my independence/self-sufficiency [i guess i'll have to go into why i feel like i need to prove my independence later] will soon draw to a close. i'm not saying i'm going to fly off to a 3rd world country to start an orphanage [yet] and i'm not saying i plan to stop working once i'm married, but i feel like it needs to be a different kind of work. maybe i'll design part-time and use the rest of my time to focus more on ministry, or maybe i'll start freelancing for non-profit orgs/churches/etc. i dunno exactly. but i do know that i want to shift my work focus. my attitude at work has been really bad for a while now and although i feel terrible about it, i don't exactly know what to do. i've been praying about it too...praying that God will help me to change my attitude. but i'm starting to feel like an outsider there regardless, and i guess i'm confused...i'm not sure how to handle that feeling or even why i'm feeling that way if i'm praying NOT to feel that way. sometimes it's scary when you feel like you're standing on the precipice of a life change. i don't know where God is leading/will lead me to next, but i feel like He's nudging me...somewhere. i just hope i will follow and not remain stationary out of my fear of the unknown.