today is my last day here at the u.s. center for world mission.
i am sad.
i think i'm more sad to leave the center than when i left yellowpages. when i left yellowpages, i felt like i was embarking on a whole new adventure with God. this time i'm a bit deflated...i wonder what He wants me to do at world vision...and is He sure He wants me there? who am i going to talk to about the deeper issues surrounding faith? who am i going to discuss scriptural relevancy with, without offending anybody? what other christians can i say shocking things to, without being judged? where else can i talk on and on about Jesus, without anybody wanting to roll their eyes at me in exasperation? do i have to try to be a superchristian at world vision? will they fire me once they find out i'm anything but? will they label me as a heretic once they hear my personal views on western christianity? [sigh]
oh for heaven's sake, who the hell cares. it's a job.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
now what?
i told brian yesterday that i thought the thing that does the most damage to christianity is christians. it just came out. i realize that many churches would not welcome me into their church if they knew i thought this, but i really think this is true. christians have a lot of issues...i count myself as one of them...and we don't all like each other...which i think is sad. but what saddens me more is this great divide between the conservative and progressive. it seems to me that if we keep fighting w/each other, we won't be able to do much good in this world. as it stands, we're in danger of becoming completely irrelevant. and i believe with all my hear that Jesus is very relevant. it's hard for ppl, christian and non, to set their own personal agendas aside and work together, build together, serve together, love together, and not let disagreements/misunderstandings spiral into animosity. call it the human condition, call it sin, call it whatever you want. but it makes me sad.
i believe that most ppl want to be regarded as better than what they really are. and everyone wants the freedom to make mistakes yet still be embraced. it's funny how much easier it is for me to reject ppl based on my judgements of them than to accept them based on God's love for them. i'm one of those christians that's doing damage to christianity, and i doubt i'll ever get it just right.
i believe that most ppl want to be regarded as better than what they really are. and everyone wants the freedom to make mistakes yet still be embraced. it's funny how much easier it is for me to reject ppl based on my judgements of them than to accept them based on God's love for them. i'm one of those christians that's doing damage to christianity, and i doubt i'll ever get it just right.
purpose-driven life?
this past year i've been wondering what my purpose is. i mean, a year ago i quit my job for "no good reason" other wanting to get involved with the missions agency [which, i still maintain was a very good reason]. but i have to say, quitting sort of put me in a new and precarious position. i had always associated my identity with my job and workplace. and up until that point, i'd never really made a move if i couldn't see the next move ahead of it. and i really could not see the next move ahead of quitting and volunteering at the missions agency. i told myself that my committment would only be for a year but...what about after that year? what then? i had absolutely no idea! freelancing seemed to be the most optimal [and obvious] choice, so i started studiotrinity design. but still...something seemed not...completely...right. where was i going? i've asked myself that question a lot...especially the past six months. what am i doing? where am i headed? what's my next step? what am i doing here? now? why/how is any of this relevant to anything? how does this fit into the puzzle of my purpose? what is my purpose? oh God why am i here? questions i pondered over and over again. even with church and small group, those questions persisted. i guess you could say that the most prevalent sense that i've had this past year is the sense of being lost.
i still don't feel 100% that i "belong" at mosaic or at our small group. and who's to say that i'll feel like i "belong" at world vision once i start? actually, who's to say that i'll feel like i "belong" anywhere in this world? maybe that's just wishful thinking. of course this in no way means that i begrudge my life...not at all! i don't remember ever feeling so loved by God than in this past year. so in that sense i do feel that i "belong"...with God, most definitely. and with my husband, absolutely! but in the sense of work [i'm not referring to a job, but a lifetime's work fueled by passion and commitment]...in the sense of being able to name exactly what i want to pursue for the rest of my life...exactly what i want to dedicate my skills, knowledge, and experience to...well, i just don't know. sometimes i catch myself envying the artists...they know exactly what they're meant to do...they're meant to create. it's in their blood...they can't deny it...art or music is what they breathe. it's a living organism inside them and it demands to be seen, heard, read, understood. i sort of know what that feels like...it's why i write poetry. but it's not to the same degree that they feel or know. all i really know is that i need to discover and pursue God's purpose, that i need to be on His team.
i still don't feel 100% that i "belong" at mosaic or at our small group. and who's to say that i'll feel like i "belong" at world vision once i start? actually, who's to say that i'll feel like i "belong" anywhere in this world? maybe that's just wishful thinking. of course this in no way means that i begrudge my life...not at all! i don't remember ever feeling so loved by God than in this past year. so in that sense i do feel that i "belong"...with God, most definitely. and with my husband, absolutely! but in the sense of work [i'm not referring to a job, but a lifetime's work fueled by passion and commitment]...in the sense of being able to name exactly what i want to pursue for the rest of my life...exactly what i want to dedicate my skills, knowledge, and experience to...well, i just don't know. sometimes i catch myself envying the artists...they know exactly what they're meant to do...they're meant to create. it's in their blood...they can't deny it...art or music is what they breathe. it's a living organism inside them and it demands to be seen, heard, read, understood. i sort of know what that feels like...it's why i write poetry. but it's not to the same degree that they feel or know. all i really know is that i need to discover and pursue God's purpose, that i need to be on His team.
Monday, June 25, 2007
old message, new meaning
yesterday at church the message was about dying to self. pastor eric [erwin's in south africa] spoke about what that phrase entails. i've heard that phrase a million times, but yesterday it sort of took on new meaning.
i already knew that dying to self means putting yourself last, but what hit me was that it's not meant for us to be passive [and secretly embittered] doormats. it's not meant in a you're-welcome-to-walk-all-over-me kind of way, but in a so-that-God-will-get-the-attention sort of way. eric said that [paraphrasing] that happens when christians don't seek an eye for an eye [revenge will be the Lord's] but rather just accept that life can be difficult and unfair and keep moving forward. and there is a difference between moving forward and moving on, apparently. moving on embraces a more flippant attitude..."screw you, i got better things to do with my time so [sarcastic] have a nice life" mentality, whereas moving forward embraces an attitude of grace and trust in the Lord..."you hurt me and that's not cool. but God is sovereign and He's working in you just like He's working in me." it's about being able to let go...of your rights to vengence and of your expectations, and about being open to however God works things out...whether it's in your favor or not. i thought that was pretty kewl.
i already knew that dying to self means putting yourself last, but what hit me was that it's not meant for us to be passive [and secretly embittered] doormats. it's not meant in a you're-welcome-to-walk-all-over-me kind of way, but in a so-that-God-will-get-the-attention sort of way. eric said that [paraphrasing] that happens when christians don't seek an eye for an eye [revenge will be the Lord's] but rather just accept that life can be difficult and unfair and keep moving forward. and there is a difference between moving forward and moving on, apparently. moving on embraces a more flippant attitude..."screw you, i got better things to do with my time so [sarcastic] have a nice life" mentality, whereas moving forward embraces an attitude of grace and trust in the Lord..."you hurt me and that's not cool. but God is sovereign and He's working in you just like He's working in me." it's about being able to let go...of your rights to vengence and of your expectations, and about being open to however God works things out...whether it's in your favor or not. i thought that was pretty kewl.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
new gig, angst & a harley
i got a new gig. i'll be working for world vision international starting on july 9th. they offered the job on wed., i accepted on thurs., nervously. all day thurs actually, i felt nervous:
can i actually DO this? i didn't lie on my resume...or in either of my interviews...so they must know that i don't know EVERYTHING about graphic design, yet they hired me anyway...how come i don't feel very confident? what if i underperform? is this a "God thing?" does He know how demanding this job will be? does He think i can do it?
on fri., i felt excited about it:
i can't believe i'm actually going to be working at world vision. i've had a secret desire to work with them for years...i never EVER thought i actually would one of these days! i love what they do, how they are able to mobilize their teams the instant a catastrophe hits somewhere and send them out to start helping the people who have been left devastated. i love how organized they seem to be, compared to other international relief agencies. i love that they're committed to showing Christ's love in practical ways. i love that they champion the causes that affect children globally. i love that they do all this because it is their passion...their heart. and now...i actually have the opportunity to work with them, learn from them. it's nothing less than God answering my prayer of long ago.
on sat., i was too busy to try to process much of anything.
today, i'm just feeling a little crazy about the job and everything else:
WHAT have i just agreed to? i don't even think i'm qualified! WHY did they hire me? i can't do this!? and didn't i want to leave the full-time corporate world? didn't i want to focus on starting my freelance biz from home? what am i doing to myself? what am i doing with my life? why can't i make a decision and just stick to it? am i wishy-washy? whatever happened to my ability to make decisions? why am i so manly? am i balding? why can't ppl in big suvs park properly? an suv is not a compact car!
ugh.
what i'd REALLY like right now is to be able to jump on a harley and drive away. i figured out my attraction to motorcyles...it symbolizes freedom for me. so that's what i'd like to do right now, more than anything else in the world...i'd like to just ride away on a harley and leave myself behind.
can i actually DO this? i didn't lie on my resume...or in either of my interviews...so they must know that i don't know EVERYTHING about graphic design, yet they hired me anyway...how come i don't feel very confident? what if i underperform? is this a "God thing?" does He know how demanding this job will be? does He think i can do it?
on fri., i felt excited about it:
i can't believe i'm actually going to be working at world vision. i've had a secret desire to work with them for years...i never EVER thought i actually would one of these days! i love what they do, how they are able to mobilize their teams the instant a catastrophe hits somewhere and send them out to start helping the people who have been left devastated. i love how organized they seem to be, compared to other international relief agencies. i love that they're committed to showing Christ's love in practical ways. i love that they champion the causes that affect children globally. i love that they do all this because it is their passion...their heart. and now...i actually have the opportunity to work with them, learn from them. it's nothing less than God answering my prayer of long ago.
on sat., i was too busy to try to process much of anything.
today, i'm just feeling a little crazy about the job and everything else:
WHAT have i just agreed to? i don't even think i'm qualified! WHY did they hire me? i can't do this!? and didn't i want to leave the full-time corporate world? didn't i want to focus on starting my freelance biz from home? what am i doing to myself? what am i doing with my life? why can't i make a decision and just stick to it? am i wishy-washy? whatever happened to my ability to make decisions? why am i so manly? am i balding? why can't ppl in big suvs park properly? an suv is not a compact car!
ugh.
what i'd REALLY like right now is to be able to jump on a harley and drive away. i figured out my attraction to motorcyles...it symbolizes freedom for me. so that's what i'd like to do right now, more than anything else in the world...i'd like to just ride away on a harley and leave myself behind.
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