tug of war

he stands in front of all the clutter
ignores the background noise and focuses on my face.
he starts to smile out my frown
but in the middle of it i lay down
and pretend i don't notice.

the background starts to swallow him whole
i jerk up and grab his hand
but his stance starts to sink
as the noise turns black as ink
and soon the clutter obstructs my view.

"wait!" i cry and tug with all my might
but he can only look at me sadly.
i growl with anger...how dare he give up so soon?!
will he only rely on my little strength?
no matter, i will not let it take him.

fire walks within

the moonlight burns
as saturn turns
my skin to ash
spirit trashed
and fire walks within

words combined
give no peace of mind
it lies fraught with meaning
nonetheless still steaming
as fire walks within

i rotate towards you
and miss you and miss you
wish i could reach out
and actually touch you
but fire walks within

you can't get hurt
yet i fear the worst
and you're up so high
but the timing's not right
and fire walks within

motives

is it easy for you to discern your true motives? i think a lot of times i'm in denial about how selfish i truly am. but still there are times when i wish i could jump on a plane and fly across the world to intervene in some way...any way...before injustice claims yet another victim. yet, i often ask myself, "do i want to help because i need to feel needed? or worse, because i need to feel like i'm a good person?" it's hard to tell at times. i can be the biggest wuss, crying over an infomercial about forced teenage prostitution, or displaced refugees and their children, or tortured survivors moving swiftly from one hiding place to another so as not to get caught, and then look up websites and read read read about the plights of many, and research volunteer opportunities or short-term trips...and then i stop myself, because the reality is i don't have experience moving about outside my own comfortable little world...don't have experience with traveling to other countries...don't have experience in trying to adapt to new cultures...don't have experience in any of that at all. so what am i doing, daydreaming about flying to and fro with supplies and encouragement? what am i doing, when i have debts to pay and now a husband to care for? what am i doing, when i know full well that it takes a strong heart and stronger faith to do what others do? and then of course, the final question, being WHY do i even want to do it? and if it turns out that the answer to that question is legitimate, HOW am i going to do it? i can dream up ideas all i want, i still have to be realistic. and my reality tells me that i don't have enuff of what it takes...that i'm too accustomed to having plenty and having it easy. that i haven't suffered enuff to be able to reach out. so then what? i don't want to live in a comfortable shell all my life. i don't want my life to consist solely of work, family, and church activities. not that there's anything wrong with that of course...but i also want to be involved in things that get my blood pumping. and herein lies the dilemma...are my motives stemming from true compassion or from my own self-serving needs?

wanna wanna wanna

i have a bad case of the wannas. i wanna go clothes shopping so bad, i actually daydream about it every day. it's really strange. usually if i need or want an article of clothing i just go to ross or target and be done with it. but these days i've been browsing online at higher-end stores like banana republic, ann taylor, j. crew, etc...and been lusting after some of their stuff. i feel very guilty for doing so. i recently cracked the whip and put us on a strict budget to pay down our debts and drew up a financial goal/plan thingy for us to follow, so the fact that i'm secretly lusting online at these pretty new spring collections [that include pretty new accessories and shoes to match!] is greatly distressing. man, i feel like a girl.

cancer to my soul

i have to admit something, and i hate to admit it. i've been denying it for so long...hoping and praying [SO praying!] that my heart or the circumstances would change. but so far, nothing has. here it is: i REALLY dislike my parents-in-law. okey, now that i've typed it out, it doesn't seem so terrible. as a matter of fact, for some it might even be normal. but for me, it's a big deal. there aren't very many ppl in this world i actively dislike even if i've had a bad experience with them. as a matter of fact, i can only count 1 other person i really, truly, actively dislike. but to dislike my parents-in-law? that's BAD. and growing up, of all the issues i anticipated in marriage, i never thought i'd have to deal with this one. fights about money? sure, it comes with the territory. fights about other women? yup, depending on who i marry, i figured i'd have to deal with that at some point too. fights about where to spend the holidays? no-brainer...every couple fights about that. fights about how to raise the kids and how to split responsibility? uh-huh...expected that one too. but fights about the in-laws? no way.

i don't know what to do.

ugly

last nite was small group nite. and while i normally really look forward to thursdays, for some reason last nite i just didn't want to be there. it really bothered me to be feeling that way so as i sat and thought about why, i realized that lately i've been becoming more and more cynical about God and life in general. i know it's been slowly building up. and i think i've been trying to "fight" it in a sense by remaining involved with the core team and not thinking about it or talking about it with anyone. but i was surprised at the intensity of my desire to be somewhere other than small group, discussing something other than the Bible. i went home with the realization that i can't ignore it anymore and i tried to talk to emmanuel about it but it was difficult to articulate the different little thoughts and feelings i'd been having lately, and how that all added up to comprise this growing, gnawing cynicism. he was surprised to learn i hadn't discussed it with anyone and i tried to explain that up until then i hadn't even really awknowledged it to myself. every time the thought entered my mind i dismissed it. every time i felt the nudge to deal with it, i brushed it off. i dunno what was so special about last nite that i finally decided to look at it in the face, but now that i have, i can't deny its' existence any longer. and it's ugly, this face of cynicism. very ugly.

deleted post

my friend keeps asking me why i post and delete. i post when i'm feeling or thinking about something very intensely. if i post when i'm angry, i tend to write ugly things. and then afterwards, when i've calmed down, i feel bad for posting the ugly things. so that's when i delete. so i've deleted an earlier post from today. it was a reaction to someone in my family, and it was a poor reaction, and i should know better. maybe in addition to praying for patience and compassion for that person, i should also pray for temperance for me.

sun

i know i'm blogging a lot today...i guess i'm avoiding work. i can't help it...it's SUNNY today. after what seems like an endless downpouring of rain, it's actually SUNNY. if i wasn't sick still, i'd be out creating havoc in the sun. =P

no-stress resolution

you know what's interesting? the different ways ppl approach a new year. some make resolutions, some don't, and some make half-assed ones so they don't feel bad if they can't stick to 'em. it's pretty funny actually. i like the half-assed ones myself, coz those are the kind that i make. for instance, my single resolution for this year is to learn how to cook. not necessarily gourmet stuff, but more basic stuff...learn what stuff i should always have in my fridge and pantry, learn what ingredients usually go with what, learn what pot and pans to use [i never knew there was such a thing as a searing pan], learn how to make smaller leftover meals from one large one...stuff like that. my goal is to try one new recipe a week. oh, and most of all, i want to teach myself to really see the art in cooking. BUT...here comes the half-assed part...if i drop the ball on this cooking thing, i won't feel guilty. i'll just visit costco more often and buy microwavable meals in bulk. those are pretty good anyway. and nowadays they have such a huge variety of stuff. trader joe's is also a good place for instant meals. and of course, i can't overlook the pre-marinated meats and ban-chan at the korean market. see? my ass is covered. no sweat if i don't learn how to cook. man, i'm so glad i'm living in this modern age.

on writing

in between sleeping, eating, coughing up phlem and blowing my nose this weekend, i tried to sneak in some unpacking. [we're still not unpacked from the move & the wedding and we're still awaiting furniture.] anyway, i came across a box of old papers i had written during college...papers for my various english classes. i sat and sped-read through some of them, instructors' comments and all, and you know what? i used to be a pretty damn good writer! most of the papers received high scores and encouraging remarks, and i couldn't help but wonder, "could i have made a living out of writing if i had pursued it?" i remember being enthralled with virgina woolf and henry james...though they had very different styles of writing...and i remember jotting notes in the books i read [geek that i am] and highlighting like crazy. in retrospect, i think majoring in english was the right choice for me, even though i didn't pursue it further. but who knows...maybe one day i'll take a stab at publishing something. only, i won't use my real name. ;-)

a new oldskin for my blog

my friend joo has inspired me to change the skin of my blog. i wanted something really different from what i had, so...voila! =) yah, i know it's kinda boring...dull...old-fashioned...but just humor me, kay? it makes me think of old manuscripts, and coming from an english lit background, i just couldn't pass it up. =)

oh yah...and i am now embarking on WEEK THREE of my flu. =(

sick n' stuff

i'm currently sick. actually, i've been sick for a week now. a WHOLE week. i developed a fever yesterday too, so i had to leave work early.

a couple weeks ago, i blogged about something that had been brewing in my mind & heart for some time now, but i deleted it coz...well...i dunno exactly why. but it keeps coming up and i'm afraid i'm getting emotional about it...scared, unsure, etc. it's one of those "is it me or is it God nudging me?" things. i've never been good at figuring out which. i'm the doofus type of christian...i do things and then after the fact i pray things like, "oh i'm sorry God! i totally screwed up! please fix this for me!" and sometimes He does, coz He's so gracious. but other times He lets me deal with the consequences of my actions [though i know i've never been alone in dealing with them]. it's hard for me to discern His will. i think it's because i'm supremely selfish and have trust issues. but man, i could use some guidance now.