ugly

last nite was small group nite. and while i normally really look forward to thursdays, for some reason last nite i just didn't want to be there. it really bothered me to be feeling that way so as i sat and thought about why, i realized that lately i've been becoming more and more cynical about God and life in general. i know it's been slowly building up. and i think i've been trying to "fight" it in a sense by remaining involved with the core team and not thinking about it or talking about it with anyone. but i was surprised at the intensity of my desire to be somewhere other than small group, discussing something other than the Bible. i went home with the realization that i can't ignore it anymore and i tried to talk to emmanuel about it but it was difficult to articulate the different little thoughts and feelings i'd been having lately, and how that all added up to comprise this growing, gnawing cynicism. he was surprised to learn i hadn't discussed it with anyone and i tried to explain that up until then i hadn't even really awknowledged it to myself. every time the thought entered my mind i dismissed it. every time i felt the nudge to deal with it, i brushed it off. i dunno what was so special about last nite that i finally decided to look at it in the face, but now that i have, i can't deny its' existence any longer. and it's ugly, this face of cynicism. very ugly.