peekaboo

last thursday, i was getting into my car at the end of the day when i suddenly heard a loud "rrrriiiipppp!" and stopped cold. i knew instinctively what had happened...i had ripped my jeans. and from the sudden draft i felt, i knew it was in a very obvious and embarrassing place. i only hoped the rip resulted in a slight, concealable tear. i was wrong.

Adventures in Vegas

Eman and I went to vegas over the weekend to celebrate our first anniversary. It was a much-needed break for the both of us and we had a great time walking around the beautifully decorated casinos and eating to our hearts’ content! We also finally started our xmas shopping, which was a relief coz I hate having to do it all last minute. The highlight of our trip was a late dinner on the outdoor terrace [heated of course!] of Mon Ami Gabi [the French restaurant in the Paris Hotel & Casino]. We lingered over our dinner long enough to watch the water show across the street at Bellagio 4 times, and each time the music and water sequences were different! Sitting there…with the aroma of delicious food, the soft shimmer of lit trees and buildings surrounding us, the soothing melody of Con Te Partiro in our ears and the awesome acrobatics of water piercing the night sky…it was a night I won’t soon forget.

Another thing I won’t soon forget is my gambling faux pas. I’m not a gambler, mind you, and I haven’t touched a slot machine in years. So imagine my bewilderment when three big red apple symbols lined up perfectly in the machine in front of me…and nothing happened. I kept waiting, staring at it, wondering if I was supposed to push a button or pull another lever or something to claim my jackpot of $1000. A hundred thoughts entered my mind all at once…”Ohmygawed I won! Didn’t I? Oh no, did I break it? Where’s the money? Oh no I broke it! Will I have to pay for it? How much do slot machines cost? Should I run? Or move over to another machine? Am I being watched right now? Where’s the money???” I looked up at the top of the machine and once again reviewed the illustrated scale. “Okey, let’s see…three coins with the big red apples get me the jackpot and two coins with the big red apples get me $750 and one coin with the big red apples get me…NOTHING.”

I sat there for a little while longer…just staring at the big red apples and the money that would have been mine had I JUST BET ONE MORE DOLLAR!!! >=| I was so close! So close! Oh the agony…

When eman got back and I told him what I had done, he just laughed. Seeing him laugh made me realize how retarded I was being…after all, I didn’t go to Vegas to win money…I went to get away and celebrate our one year and have a good time…and I was! Even though I missed out on the jackpot, I was having fun so I decided it didn’t matter and just kept enjoying my evening. But when I went to sleep that nite I dreamt that I won the jackpot afterall. =)

thanksgiving

i hosted my very first thanksgiving this year. there were 12 of us...me, eman, our friend john, my sister michelle, our parents, my aunt and uncle, my cousin, my gramma, and a couple of distant relatives. nick made time to drop by too, but couldn't stay. my aunt was kind enough to bring a couple of her specialty dishes...green bean casserole and yams...and john brought the honeybaked ham. the rest of it...turkey, stuffing, sides...were the responsibility of michelle and i. i was really nervous...i'm a culinary disaster you see. but thanks be to God [and that's not an exaggeration] all the dishes turned out to be delicious! our turkey was moist and flavorful, and the stuffing complemented it nicely. if anyone's interested, i'll email you the recipes...they're pretty simple. and did i mention yummy? the creamed corn au gratin was my personal favorite though. it was my baby too...i got the recipe from my sisinlaw and made sure i followed it precisely. it's seriously the BEST creamed corn i've EVER had...better than lawry's in my opinion! then we had mashed potatos [mashed to perfection by john, who turned out to be the most creative in the kitchen...who knew?] and cranberries and gravy and garlic butter rice [another recipe i obsessed over] and my mom's mouth-watering japchae noodles [korean veggie noodles]. so much food...yet hardly any leftovers! i was so happy. =) even though i was in the kitchen stressin' for most of the day, i realized one thing: i really enjoy cooking for people. and i love dressing the table and observing ppl eating and chatting, relaxed. i hope i get to practice cooking more in the future. so if any of you are brave enough to try my meals, let me know and i'll prepare a table for you. =)

cruisin'

two weekends ago my extended family and i went on our very first cruise. it was a 4 day trip to ensenada and it was great! if you've never been on a cruise, i highly recommend it. i hear carnival cruises are the best, but we were more than satisfied w/our royal carribean one. it's hard not to be when you have access to gourmet food 24/7! not to mention the endless blue horizon of ocean and clear skies all around you. the ship was decorated beautifully for the holidays...garlands and lights all throughout the multiple spiral staircases! we even had a formal nite...kinda like prom...where we all got gussied up and ate in the formal dining room. we were lucky too, [thanks to susan] coz we got our tables switched to a private room that could seat all of us together. and the service was so wonderful! the whole time there, we were asked if we wanted anything to eat or drink...wherever we went! it was awesome. =)

okey, so now i have to share a funny little tidbit...

when we entered the ship on friday, the first thing we saw was a mobile bar serving pina coladas and mai tais. eman got me a pina colada while i unpacked in our cabin. the plan was to unpack and then go to the buffet deck for lunch. we purposly ate breakfast early so that our stomachs could be empty for the famed buffet. however, once we were done unpacking, we were told by the ship's crew to get ready for the muster [emergency] drill. i quickly downed my pina colada and followed everyone to the upper deck. as we lined up and waited for the drill to be over, i noticed a strange unsettling feeling in my gut...something like nausea. "that's strange" i thought. "i shouldn't be seasick...at least not yet...we haven't even left port!" i ignored it...imagining instead the lunch buffet spread...but my gut kept distracting me. first i was nauseous, then i got what i thought were intense hunger pangs. THEN the whole sensation started to move up...to my heart...then to my head. and before i knew it, i grabbed susan's hand and whispered to both her and eman that i was passing out. thankfully, eman got someone's attention and moved me indoors where a college frat boy took one look at me and gave up his seat, declaring, "you do NOT look good." i would have puked on him if i was conscious enough to aim. instead i mumbled, "yah" and collapsed into his seat. for the rest of the trip, whenever he or one of his frat buddies saw me, they'd ask how i was doing. sweet, but embarrassing. especially bcoz i was wearing a church tshirt. "oh great," i thought as i'd pass them. "they're probably thinking 'oh there's that christian girl who drank too much.' i'm going to hell." it could've just ended there, but oh noooooo. being unsure if it was the alcohol or the ocean that lured me to unconsciousness, i, in my infallible wisdom, decided the safe thing to do would be to take some anti-motionsickness pills. so yes folks, my chaser of choice was dramamine. and yes, i was a complete idiot for doing that, and yes, i wonder what i was thinking too, and yes, the next day i was a walking zombie. it was all i could do to stay vertical for longer than 5 minutes in ensenada. the rest of that day was spent in lalaland. needless to say, i don't remember much of that second day. but the rest of the trip was great. here are some picts. =)

it's been an emotional day. for one thing, i hate drama. and i hate it more when it involves me. i realize i'm not a very patient person. when i get verbally attacked, it's all i can do to keep my mouth shut. some ppl, are very good at neutralizing tense situations, even if they're provoked. not me. i'll say a few angry words, and then i'll cry like a baby coz i hate hearing them come out of my mouth. such was today.

i'm so NOT in the mood to put up with petty shit.

thank God i'm going to have a busy wkend. i guess sometimes being busy can be a blessing.

guilt & waiting

every day that i'm here i feel sad. i'm only happy when i get to go home. and i really do live for the weekends, no matter how busy i may be with errands and such. every day that i'm here is just agonizing. i wonder how i came to detest my workplace so much? there's nothing wrong with it. i like the ppl...i think very highly of my team...i have a nice cube...i know what i'm doing...it's in a great location...etc. why do i hate being here so much? maybe it's coz i don't feel like i can be myself here. and i'm too old and tired now to put on the happy designer front. i'm not comfortable here anymore, that's for sure. a part of that has to do with feeling like i'm somehow deceiving everybody becoz they don't know i'm planning on leaving. i know that's retarded. ppl put up fronts all the time at their current jobs while they look for a different one. so why should i feel like i'm wronging them somehow? [sigh] why indeed. i need to get over my guilt complex. i hate it especially coz it inhibits my freedom. i can't just BE when i feel guilty. ugh. of all things to feel guilt over, what kind of moron am i that i feel guilt over this? it makes the waiting so much harder...so much harder to focus on the tasks at hand, so much harder to enjoy the company of my colleagues before i go. one of them recently asked why i was so anti-social. i didn't know how to respond. in my mind, i was thinking, "i'm not being anti-social...i just don't want to have too much fun w/you guys here coz i'm afraid it'll deter me from leaving!" but i just said i haven't been getting enuff sleep coz of my husband's pager going off at all hours of the nite. [that's actually true though.] oh goodness goodness goodness. the wait is the most unpleasant thing of all.

ode to corporate design

mornings come too early
evenings come too late
afternoons just don't seem to come at all
but that's coz i'm holed up in an office stall
surrounded by lifeless gray cubicle walls
i have a ton of work to do
deadlines that beckon me to prove
i have what it takes
that my skills take the cake
a crooked smile i must paste
on my 30-something year-old's face
and God forbid i ever be late
lest i forget what i must create
i wonder if they'd ever come to my wake
probably...to mingle and celebrate
my corporate demise, my sad luckless fate
lying face down in corporate design waste.

is it friday yet?

tugs at my heart

i can't seem to read through any kinds of literature regarding adoption without crying. my aunt was adopted, and it was never a secret or something our family looked at w/shame, so it's a very comfortable idea for me. i've been interested in adoption for a long time...it's just one of those things you know you're going to do someday...a dream or vision that never leaves you. now it's 4 o' clock on a quiet saturday afternoon and i've been sitting alone bawling my eyes out over an article about one little russian girl's experience being adopted by an american single woman in new york. the story is raw and heartwarming, and at one point the little girl, after being reprimanded for the first time, asks her new mom in broken english, "mommy...if me bad...you [pushes out her palms as though pushing something away from her] to russia?" at which, the mother pulls her towards her and giving her a big hug sobs, "no, never never! i will never send you back! never never!" i think that was when the tears started to fall down my own cheeks.

p.s.

i wonder if i'm bi-polar.

rambles

i want to do things that make the heavens open up. i want to do things that make God leap up from his throne in joy and excitement. i want to live for more than just the asian-american dream. on my deathbed, i want to be able to look back on my life and say, "i didn’t do it for reputation or lifestyle. and it made all the difference."

meaning...freedom...substance...purpose...are those wrong things to lust after? i look at the picture on my cubicle wall of a vast blue horizon, and it makes me think, "there's so much potential." isn't there? isn't there potential in me? i half ask you, and i half ask God. i do not seek the ordinary, i do not desire the mundane. am i wrong to be this way? while everyone else is content w/their things, i find that the more i buy, the less satisfied i am…like i’m buying to fill a need i can’t name. i want to live simply, yet richly...richly in God's grace, richly in my relationships w/those around me, richly in my service to others...richly in every sense that matters.

is it just a matter of me learning to be content? i have been accused of being too unrealistic & ungrateful in the past. or is this restlessness…this rumbling in my spirit…a sign, a signal…of more? i’m afraid that in either case, the lessons will be long, hard and painful.

kill me now

i just found out that we [my art director and i] will probably have to redesign the site next year.

um hello? we JUST launched a redesign...3 months ago!!! and THAT redsign took almost 3 years, thanks to all the back-and-forth brought on by the sales and leadership teams!!! i mean, we haven't actually even finished launching! we still have to launch phase II of the current redesign before year's end, and now we're given a "heads up" on ANOTHER redesign?! for NEXT year?!

OH LORD HOW MUCH LONGER DO I HAVE TO BE HERE???

time off

i think i need some time off from everything. i'm still physically exhausted from the past two weekends. oh yah, and before that my in-laws were in town. dang i guess i've really been busy. no wonder i'm so tired. i think i'll spend this saturday alone...maybe sunday too if need be. that's one good thing about eman's schedule...if i need solitary time to rest, i can have it. i'll sleep and clean the apt and organize some wedding files and update the office and troubleshoot my ipod and read and journal and write some poetry and draw and re-asses our finances and go to the gym. haha...okey okey, i probably won't do the last one. =P

weddings

these past 2 weekends have been devoted to weddings. first, it was my collegue and friend, chindia, then my friend jamie. both weddings were beautiful, yet very different! but that's one of the things i enjoy the most about weddings...if they reflect the couple, it's anything but ordinary!

chin's wedding was all vintage sophistication and intimate elegance. her ceremony took place in a beautiful old catholic church, and cocktails and dinner were at the ritz-carlton here in pasadena...very posh, but because it was a smaller wedding [about 120 ppl] it wasn't grandiose. the style was all chin and it was lovely!

jamie's wedding was much bigger...about 400 guests! but amazingly, the ceremony was very intimate. sam even surpised everyone by interrupting the ceremony with a song! the reception too, went very smoothly. and it started off on a fun, vibrant note, thanks to the planning of the bride & groom, who had someone sing "be our guest" as white-gloved waiters entered the ballroom two-by-two, with silver platters raised high! a GREAT way to kick-start the festivities! the nite ended with lots of dancing...even eman got up on the dance floor and got his uhm...groove...on. =P

even though i wasn't part of the wedding party for jamie's wedding [i was a bridesmaid at chin's] i was considerably more nervous at jamie's than at chin's. why? coz i was one of the coordinator's for jamie's. thank goodness, i had susan & sunhee w/me...god bless them! susan was seriously a god-send. without her encouragement and expertise [she had coordinated countless weddings on her own before this one] i don't think it would have gone so well. but thanks to her, sunhee, and countless other ppl who volunteered to help, we were able to set up everything on time. =) and ppl were very gracious to us too...we got a lot of compliments and had several ppl tell us that we should do wedding planning/coordination professionally! so susan and i are going to start thinking of names and stuff for our little side business! i'm so excited! as tiring and stressful as it can be to coordinate a wedding, it's also fun! and if the guests have a good time, and the bride & groom are happy w/the outcome, then i'm happy too. =)

citizens!

my parents are citizens!!! after almost 30 years in the u.s., they finally got sworn in this morning! =D

logistical vomit

So much is going on…both externally and internally. These next few weeks are going to be hella busy. Eman’s folks are in town starting today, and our niece’s 100th day celebration is next thursday, and my bro & sisinlaw’s 10 year anniversary is the day after, and the day after that is my friend chindia’s wedding. I told her I’d keep my evenings next week free [aside from my niece’s 100th day thing] for any last minute wedding stuff that needs to get done. And the week after her wedding is jamie’s wedding, which I’m helping to coordinate. All these weddings…it’s exciting..even tho’ they're not mine, and fun to help out, but man it’ll be busy!

On another note, I love my mechanic. Let me explain. I had been driving around for the past 2 or so months with the car shaking every time I got on the fwy. Then on Sunday, I noticed that it was quaking violently while just on surface streets, so I took it in. I hadn’t seen my mechanic in months, so he kinda knew something was up when I drove in w/o calling first. It turns out, I had an oil leak and a gas leak among other things, and my poor baby had to have extensive emergency procedures done. =( My mechanic scolded me for driving it around as long as I did with it vibrating so much. I promised him I wouldn’t ignore signs like that anymore. Isn’t he a great mechanic? And for all the work that he did…I got charged about half of what I’d normally get charged had I gone somewhere else. That’s why I love my mechanic!!! He takes care of my car, is honest, does great work, and is always willing to work with my budget. I gave him a small box of chocolates as a thank you. =) Oh, and he said I could drive my car for another 100,00 miles as long as I maintain it well, so I’ve also decided not to replace my car this year. It just doesn’t make much sense, especially with the soaring gas prices and my short commute to work…what do I need a new car for? If I need to drive long distances I’ll just borrow eman’s car. maybe NEXT fall/winter I’ll get something a little newer.

So aside from my schedule and my car, I’ve started to read up on small and home-based businesses. Why? Coz December is just around the corner, and December is when I plan to quit. And since I want to continue working, just not in an office, I thought I’d better start educating myself about the realities of running my own show. And so far, it sounds terrifying. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have a single business-savvy bone in my body. So I have a lot of questions, and I’m struggling a lot with the “how’s” and “what ifs” of it all. I’m not the dreamer I once was, so the practical me is feuding a little w/the romantic me. For instance, the practical me says to keep my job for a little longer…til I’ve done all my research and have gotten the ball rolling…maybe quit in the spring. But the romantic me says to stick to my guns, put myself out there, and give it my all from the get-go...that getting the ball rolling after quitting in December is fine coz it’ll give me more time and freedom to focus and get the research done faster. I dunno. I really want to quit. And if I could just work part-time at the office, I would. But it seems like all or nothing. And what makes me think I can pull off my own home-based business anyway? Am I just fooling myself? Would it be better if I just stayed put and stopped chasing dreams? [sigh.] I wish I knew.

the search

light catches and ignites
fire breathes and takes flight
look for me and i'll look for you
we'll find each other, hope anew

a million voices can be heard
shouts and cries and sounds absurd
resonate deeply from their aching souls
Lord oh Lord, where did you go?

to turn and look away is cruel
but sometimes you'd rather play the fool
though not present, you feel the heat
can hear the drumming, the constant beat

you're lost somewhere, and i'm over here
i sense you but there's a sea out there
of nameless faces, disheveled and worn
find your way back to me, faith reborn.

hard to swallow

i shared with nick recently how sometimes the truth is hard for me to swallow. there are some things i don't want to hear, even if it is true, and even if i know it already. i'm sure i'm not alone in this. but if i agree that it's true, and know in my heart that it is, i won't deny it...i'll acknowledge it's truth, then walk away. usually it's because i'm hurt by the truth and need to be alone to process and/or cry. now you know a secret about me.

a personal account

a colleague of eman's traveled to Baton Rouge over the holiday weekend with another physician to give medical care. he's been sending us his personal accounts via email every day, and they've been heartwrenching to read. they went with free medical samples and first aid supplies and have had to ration them carefully so as not to run out prematurely. his accounts are saddening and infuriating, yet encouraging at the same time:

"Our trips to the Red Cross shelters showed us that yes, shelter and food were being provided but as of yesterday the only medical care was coming from churches and locals who chose to help of their own accord - one local doctor was explaining that neither FEMA or Red Cross would provide medical care at her massive shelter at Southern University - partly for jurisdiction conflict and partly to prevent from being overrun when news would get out of medical care. I now know that to be a successful shelter, the shelter cannot just supply a roof and food. The medical needs must be addressed, the emotional needs must be addressed, and the spiritual needs must be addressed. The places that are doing all of this have a positive environment and that energy spills over to everyone there.

By the time we finished at Greene Valley, our cell phones were ringing with word of new locales that had evacuees that needed our medical assistance - we could not go though as we had to begin our journey back to Houston to catch our return flights. This was the most difficult "I can't" I have ever had to say as I knew we were still needed - there still so much work to be done in Baton Rouge. I can only stress and remind you all that the people who are not in Red Cross or FEMA shelters are not accounted for in the numbers that we hear of evacuees on the news. There is simply no way to track them all and I do not think the government even knows about them at this point. When we were driving into Baton Rouge Saturday morning we were one of few cars headed East on I-10 with the droves of cars and buses clearly heading west to Texas and part unknown. Today as we drove East, there were massive convoys of semis, trucks, RVs, and military vehicles heading East into Baton Rouge - finally it seems help is on it's way. This certainly made us feel better although the help is LATE with no other way to describe it."

sisters

i love my sister. she's a complex, sensitive, beautiful creature, and i just adore her. she's got her moments to be sure [who doesn't?] but she is, at her core, loving and loyal and compassionate. she was in town for a few days over the weekend with her bf. we had a great time...we went to universal studios, santa barbara, solvang, santa monica, camarillo and we even went to a vineyard for some wine tasting. her and her bf mike met a few of our friends, went with us to church, and shared in my bday celebration. we had a great time. i wish she lived in L.A. i think we're both at a point now where we can really appreciate and enjoy one another...and she's 3000 miles away. =( i have to admit i was sorta depressed on monday when they left. i just came home and slept...for HOURS. and then i woke up and just sat around in my apt...thinking. it was good to be alone. sometimes i really need solitude. the last time she was in town without my parents, we got into a physical fight [i won, of course] and had a screaming match. this time, there were no fights, no screaming matches. instead, there were lots of hugs and kisses and i love yous and i miss yous and i wish we lived close to each others. if i ever get to a point where i have lots of disposable income, i'm gonna buy her a house close to me. in a perfect world we'd be neighbors and help each other raise our kids and work together to support our parents in their old age and travel together with our husbands after we're retired. then again...who says that can't happen?

unsettling

earlier this week we found out that my cousin luke will be sent to iraq in october. no one was more suprised than himself. his time with the military ends in feb., so he didn't think he'd have any more international assignments. now he won't be finished til late next year. maybe that's why i've been tossing and turning so much lately. and everytime i pass his picture on our bookcase, i have to look away, or else i choke up a little.

family

my dad's been in town since friday for my cousin's wedding and it's been a whirlwind since he arrived. i'm happy that he came though of course! since "the kids" in our extended family are mostly grown now and are slowly getting married, these weddings are the only times when all the relatives from both coasts of the u.s. get together. unfortunately, it's time for my dad to head back to n.c. =( it doesn't seem like he was here for very long at all. we were so busy with wedding related events and visiting relatives from his side [my cousin who got married is on my mom's side] that we didn't get to spend too much time alone together. i hate when that happens. he turns 60 on the 21st, which is a big deal in korea, and i wish i could be with him then. but both he and my mom will be returning in november for a family cruise and thanksgiving so i guess i'll have to wait til then to hang out with him again. i wish he wasn't leaving so soon. =( and i wish my mom could have come along on this trip. she sent homemade ban-chan though, so at least i have her cooking! =P

family is so strange and wonderful at the same time. when we're all brought together to celebrate...a wedding, a birth, a graduation, etc...it's so fun. yet, there are moments when you want to rip your hair out and clobber the family member standing in front of you. as great as it was to see so many of my maternal relatives at my cousin's wedding, i also recently learned of some ugly drama festering between an aunt of mine and her daughter. it's quite sad actually...my heart sank when i heard it. [sigh] so along with the golden moments of family life there's also the tarnish of broken relationships and suffering hearts.

trip

i finally have a chance to blog about my trip out to new jersey/new york. it was a great trip...all the important and necessary elements were there...close friends, new territory, no agenda, and the desire to relax and just have fun. which is exactly what we did. susan and i stayed with joo for most of the trip and it was awesome trotting around the garden state with them. they kept wondering why i wasn't pushing to go into the city, and it was because i didn't want to get distracted...i was really just savoring our time together and the time i had with the ahns and the kangs...it was simple and sweet.

here are the highlights:

• peter ahn welcoming me to the garden state with a large cappucino blast
• drive-thru Baskin-Robbins'
• homemade breakfasts!!! yum!
• homemade ice coffee!!! yum! yum!
• homemade mojitos!!! yum yum yum!
• hanging out with the ahns and the kangs and their adorable girls
• ella informing her mother rea that she was not grumpy and not being argumentative [she's THREE, folks]
• christina's big brown eyes, warm embrace, and sweetly broken english
• kayla happily shaking her head "no" each time i asked her to leave the shoes alone and come to me
• susan, joo and i drooling over a huge poster of a johnny depp ad for watches
• susan contemplating the purchase of furry lavender gloves
• dinner at a korean restaurant housed on a boat on the Hudson
• karaoke! susan's first!
• surprise fireworks over the Hudson as soon as susan lamented, "oh i wish there were fireworks...it'd be so pretty over the Hudson"
• susan talking like a valley girl...HILARIOUS
• talking with joo til 3am the first nite
• discovering that the cherries on top of sundaes aren't real cherries and realizing that i've never had a real cherry in my life
• "Amazing Cosmetics" powder foundation
• the best pb&j at Panera Bread
• the 3 of us getting cute shoes at Target
• Canal St adventure...memorizing streets and glancing at reflections to make sure we weren't being tailed as we followed some asian dude down 7 blocks or so to a tiny door that led to a narrow hallway that led to another tiny door that opened to reveal a room full of fake designer bags...none of which we bought
• all 3 of us getting fake Prada bags
• taking silly pictures while waiting for our dinner on Stone St.
• arriving at kirk's doorstep wearing identical orange t-shirts we all bought together and kirk's memorable reaction: "wow. triple the fun."
• susan's hair fiasco...bumping into a votive that spilled wax on her and thinking her hair is on fire...rushing to the bathroom to get the wax out after we calm down and establish her hair is NOT on fire...kirk informing me his shampoo is "black people's shampoo" after i request to use some on susan's hair
• getting drunk off of key lime martinis at APT lounge in the meat-packing district
• seeing pastor peter in action at metro...the church he envisioned and laid the groundwork for in california and planted in n.j.
• emotional visit to Ground Zero
• discovery of "tit goddess" in SoHo
• the ahn girls greeting us in the hallway of their building, barefoot and excited
• talking with jenny ahn til 2am

i was sorry to leave, and so thankful for the opportunity to have gone out there.

a surprise =)

i'm here with joo and susan in new jersey. =) susan, peter, and i had planned to surprise joo with my visit last month, and she was surprised all right! at first, i couldn't tell if she was glad to see me or not. when she saw me standing in peter's hallway, she had a weird look on her face and just stood there looking at me peculiarly. but i moved in to hug her and that seemed to snap her out of it. =) the unpleasant journey here [screaming, kicking kids on a 7am flight is NOT pleasant] was all worth it. it's wonderful to be here with her...i've missed her a lot. and i'm excited to visit with the kangs and the ahns and other metro ppl i've met through the newsong leadership conferences. this is all thanks to susan who was kind enough to let me use her miles to fly out here! tomorrow is going to a girl day...me, susan and joo just hangin' out! i can't wait! =D

peace & quiet in the office

the office is unusually quiet for a tuesday. there's a kids' show with acrobats in the courtyard downstairs [apparently a weekly tuesday thing for the remainder of the summer] and a bunch of my colleagues are there with their kids. this is one of the rare moments where i'm actually very glad to work here...my colleagues are all generally really good ppl...very family-oriented. it's just the workload and red tape that gets to me. they'll be back soon, and i'm sure i'll have some loose ends to tie up before i leave for the day, but right now...it's strangely peaceful here...and i'm enjoying it. i think i'll do my quiet time. =)

sheep

450 Sheep Jump to Their Deaths in Turkey

ISTANBUL, Turkey (AP) - First one sheep jumped to its death. Then stunned Turkish shepherds, who had left the herd to graze while they had breakfast, watched as nearly 1,500 others followed, each leaping off the same cliff, Turkish media reported.

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the Bible compares us to sheep. hmmmmm...

honest with God

• I am scared about my abilities to bring Him glory in this world.
• I am uncertain of my future in His design.
• I am frustrated in my habitual sin.
• I am floored by the awesome grace and power of my creator.

my spinning head

so i had a little bit of a spiritual panic attack earlier today. it just hit me that i've never NOT worked. and although i don't plan on quitting right away [i want to honor my committment to the projects i currently have] the idea that by the end of the year i won't be going into an office and bringing home a paycheck twice a month was alarming. intense fear and doubt started to cloud my mind...what if i'm making the wrong decision? what if we aren't able to pay off our debt and stay on top of all our bills? what if eman grows to resent me? what if i don't get any projects to work on? what if i just get lazy and depressed? what if my "vision" isn't really a vision at all but just wishful thinking? what if God doesn't want to use me in this way? what am i getting myself into? am i sure? how do i know i won't regret it? do i realize what i'm giving up?

i tried unsuccessfully to articulate my feelings and thoughts to a friend of mine...it just came out as disjointed babble. but it's quiet now, and as i pose all those questions and dump all those fears onto my heavenly father, i sense a gentle nudge in my heart: it's normal to feel fear. it takes some discipline to submit those fears and continue forward anyway. and yes, i could be wrong. but Lord, help me not to look so much to guarantees and security. help me to just submit and continue on and enjoy the ride.

time to leave

i've decided to quit my job. i just need to decide when. i've been unhappy and unmotivated here for years. although i don't have another job to go to, the idea of being free is intoxicating. i can do other things!!! like freelance, like be more active in different ministries, like spend solitary time alone just reading and meditating and writing!!! =D i can try taking classes in cooking and interior design and painting and pottery and martial arts and real estate [with the crazy prices, i figure if i ever want to buy a home here i better take a course to educate myself!] AND most importantly, i want to take the missions-focused perspectives course. i want to take steps towards my dream of serving missions agencies and non-profits with graphic design. i know that sounds insane...i wouldn't be making much. and i'd be giving up awesome health benefits and an even better 401k matching program. but somehow, in light of other things, those things aren't as important. what i want the most is freedom. i feel suffocated here, and have felt that way for a while. so i'm excited. i figure this is the best time too, since eman and i don't have kids yet. it'd be harder for me to start pursuing this if i had kids. i mean, i'm scared shitless, but my fear of leaving is smaller than my fear of not taking a chance, of not trying.

i remember, years ago, while in art school, i prayed that one day i'd be able to use graphic design as a ministry. i didn't know how that was going to happen, but i wanted to dedicate my developing skill to Him. some time later, i thought that meant he'd just have me work as a designer for newsong. when that didn't happen, i got confused and thought maybe he didn't want to use me and my design skills. so i stopped thinking about it for a while. but lately that desire has come back tenfold. i know it's risky...i know to most it even seems absurd. but i won't know if God will use me that way until i give it a shot...until i make myself available to find out.

Introducing Alexis Gracie Jung!

yesterday our niece came into the world! =) her name is alexis and she was born via c-section so she doesn't have a cone-head. in fact, her head is perfectly round and her face perfectly symmetrical. she's quite long too, and weighed in at almost 8lbs! [her dad, eman's brother, is over 6'.] the most interesting thing about her so far is her hair...she's got tons! all over her head, and all over her back and shoulders. but she seems to be a peaceful baby...didn't cry at all until the nurse picked her up to give her her first bath. and she had her eyes open most of the time too, indicating that she's bright and observant. =) she is definitely a miracle baby. her parents had been trying and praying for 8 years, and we were all eagerly anticipating her arrival. i couldn't help but just stare at her perfect form and thank God for keeping her healthy in the womb. david, her dad, had his little video camera with him the whole time. before we left, he taped all of us [both sides of the family were there] as we told her how much we loved her and were so thankful for her. we committed to always love her, support her, and pray for her physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

this child will be loved and treasured her whole life. =)

gramma spunk

WOMAN, 91, TEACHES PURSE SNATCHER A LESSON

TOLEDO, Ohio (AP) - A purse snatcher picked on the wrong 91-year-old, police said. Katherine Woodworth started swinging her purse at the man and hit him until he ran away, police said. He had walked up to her in a department store parking lot Saturday afternoon and told her that he was going to take her purse.

``I didn't have my hearing aid in, and I thought he said that he was going to take my pulse,'' she said. ``Then he said it again that he was going to take my purse and I said, 'No, you're not.'''

The small woman with gray hair and glasses turned angry.

``He just made me mad,'' Woodworth said. ``I wasn't really thinking, I just hit him.''

``I'll be 92 in August and I guess I've got more nerve now than when I was younger,'' she said.

problem with religion

i have a problem with my religion. the whole "name it and claim it!" gospel...the whole "God wants to bless you! if you're not blessed, it's because of the sin in your life! repent and you will be blessed once more!"...the whole theology that reduces God to a strict, superficial, egotisical superbeing ready to dispense blessings at your obedience, and punishments at your rebellion...is something i just can't swallow. but i know so many who can, and do, and then go around preaching it to whoever will listen. and there are many who will. i wish i could too...seems to be the popular mode of thought for many christians these days...if you don't believe it, maybe you're doing something wrong...maybe you need to repent more...or worse, maybe you're just not a real Christian. but i can't believe it. every part of me says that isn't who Jesus is...that it's not what he came for...not what he cares about the most.

i have a problem with my religion: it doesn't seem to have much to do with Jesus.

labor of love

it's our 6 mo. anniversary and it just goes to show
we were too young to know how deep the labor goes
this labor of love we took upon ourselves
not quite sure what we were in for but felt compelled
to give it a go, let it ride, let it flow
it's our 6 mo. anniversary and it's starting to show

so we'll just go at it slow baby we'll go at it slow
relationships are hard, Lord knows
but it's a labor of love that we're sharing for sure
and that labor's well worth it, more so now than before

so i won't give up on your tender truth
and i'll learn to relinquish my sullen moods
coz there isn't anyone like you
who could love me so faithful
i've turned sappy and grateful
for these past 6 months that goes to show
just how deep our labor of love goes

susan's back!

last nite i went with a few women to pick up susan from the airport. i had a great time riding in liz's van, with liz driving, grace by her side, and sunhee and i in the back. the airport was so crowded and cars were weaving in and out of lanes so much that i kept squealing every time i saw a car jerk next to us. liz kept telling me to close my eyes. =\ but she did a great job manuevering through all the traffic, and she dropped sunhee and i off at the international terminal to look for susan. when we got inside, we realized there were 4 other flights that arrived around the same time as susan's flight, and instead of arriving at 7pm, her flight arrived at 7:40pm. so we got some snacks and waited. we saw susan emerge at around 8:30pm and started calling out her name. susan didn't see us at first but then we caught her eye. as she came towards us with her cart full of luggage, we gave her a big hug! it's so good to see her again...so good to have her home. =)

compliment?

tonite, while at a live Vienna Teng performance in hollywood, i was told that i look remarkably like a chinese pornstar. only, i didn't know this actress was a pornstar, and neither did the person who made the comment. i'd never heard of her, but apparently her name is hsu-chi and she does soft porn stuff in addition to mainstream movies. the most unfortunate thing is that someone else once told me the same thing a couple years ago. i dunno if they were referring to the same actress though. in any case, i'm not sure if i should be flattered or disturbed.

i'm actually a little grossed out now.

true love

sometime last week eman decided to store the number to baskin robbins into his cell phone. since then, whenever i ask for one, he just calls it in and it's ready by the time he gets there.

friday evening, as i was headed home, i decided to get one as a way to end a weary week. [okey fine, i get one every damn day anyway!] and as i waited for my cappucino blast to be made, i noticed a small sign on the counter. it read: Phone-In Orders Welcome!

i think i may have started something. ;-)

new vs. used vs. cpo

eman and i have been talking about buying a new car to replace my BELOVED '95 nissan sentra. [sniff sniff] so many memories with that car. i was so happy and proud when i bought it. i only put $3000 down, and then financed the rest. i had no idea what i was doing back then, all i knew was that i wanted a new car...one that nobody had driven before...one that had that new car smell...one i could claim as mine, ALL MINE! =D but as i'm researching cars now, i'm realizing how unpractical a brand new car can be. of course, i'd love a new car...who wouldn't? but i'm leaning towards purchasing a used car instead. i'd feel more comfortable buying one of those coz, well, i dunno...buying new just doesn't mean so much to me anymore. actually, certified pre-owned seems to make more sense. and i'd want a shorter loan...maybe 3 or 4 years. it's just so nice not to have car payments! i mean, one of the reasons i love my current car is that it's PAID OFF!!! you know what i mean?? i LOVE that i don't have car payments right now. the thought of taking one on again just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. but i know that i need to replace my baby. =( if i end up buying new, it'll probably be in the fall, when the newer models come in and the "old" ones are put on clearance. but if i decide to buy cpo, i guess i could buy one this summer? since there's no real "season" for those? i'm thinking of a black toyota solara...it's reliable, has pretty good resale value, and it's kinda sporty-chic. what do you think?

quote of the year

"i'm like a giant clitoris."

- close girlfriend sharing about her new boyfriend and his effect on her

maturity

in observing others and reflecting on my quiet times and readings, here's what i've learned so far about maturity:

• it's not so much marked by what you do or say, but by your perspective and attitude. the actions naturally follow.

• it's not above self-discipline

• it demands honesty with oneself. you don't deny or downplay your less-than-noble characteristics, but face them and commit to change.

• it's not concerned with reputation. just with truth.

• it's not dependent on circumstances. when times are good, you are thankful. when times are bad, you sweat and moan, bitch and groan, but only for a bit, and then you press on in good faith that "this too shall pass" and prepare for the next step or chapter in life.

• it doesn't entertain self-pity for very long. rather, you asses the situation and determine whether or not there are steps that can be taken to make the situation better. if there is, you are proactive in taking them. if there isn't, you wait for an opportunity, keeping your eyes and ears open.

• it seeks to enjoy life, both in good seasons and bad. the mature person understands that time lost cannot be regained. so he pursues interests and knowledge in areas he's not familiar with, and instead of being ashamed or afraid of his unfamiliarity, is open to learning more and enjoys the process.

• it demands a certain amount of selflessness. the mature person doesn't spend too much time ruminating about his stature, position or reputation. rather, he chooses to focus on other people and how he can best serve.

• it requires balance. the mature person takes in spiritual food so that he is able to give out. he knows when he is getting dry, and takes it upon himself to be alone with the Lord.

• it is actively pursued. the mature person never reaches a point where he says to himself, "i am now mature." rather, he realizes it's a never-ending process, and faithfully continues to pursue it.

i'm sure there's more...but i've yet to discover it.

the wall

how you entered i'll never know
i was determined to build my fortress
and forged ahead
i had a plan you see
a vision

somewhere along the line i lost myself in the building
in the creating
in the cementing
of a wall so high not a soul could fly by
without endangering themselves

and you like a pure-hearted child
came quietly up to my great wall
and playfully began to chip away
oblivious to the enormity of the task in front of you
ignoring the danger i threatened you with

i play to the tune of peoples' expectations
as i aim to please
as i've been taught to
being the good obedient child
careful not to rock the boat

as i grew taller i noticed big people were smaller
and i began to wonder why i thought
they were so towering before
how it was that they had loomed so large
their shadows hovering over my heart's door

hypocrisies revealed, pride sowed then reaped
the faithful turned faithless
blaming everyone but themselves
i watched in fascinated horror
at the world around me unraveling

everything is always everyone else's fault
how wonderfully simple to concede to that
too bad it's untrue
as i learned and turned
to face that realization

tears flowed freely
and oh how freeing
to finally be honest with myself
to finally let you undo what i've done
in the name of self-preservation

and the wall comes tumbling down
one by one
solitary brick after solitary brick
and sometimes they fall slower
and some days not a single one drops

but by and by
as the years go by
the wall shakes and falls
and reveals the raw trembling heart
aglow in your light

mercy ship

yesterday i discovered mercy ships. a random publicity person who was living a fantasy MTV lifestyle in new york city decided to dedicate a year of his life in service to others for 1) a sort of "penance" [his term, not mine] for his years of self-centered living and 2) to try God out. he's serving on a mercy ship as a photojournalist and posts his pictures on the web. if you feel so inclined, check out his site. the pictures are unbelievable, and i guarantee you will be moved.

www.onamercyship.com [the photojournalist's site]
www.mercyships.com [official site]

tip

NEVER wear a red shirt and khakis to target.

EVER.

aftermath

my spirit is tired. my soul discouraged.

all since that damn dream.

SCARY dream =(

i dreamt l.a. was attacked by terrorists. in the dream, our government had been giving us warnings for several days, but no one took the warnings seriously. yet i had a strong gut feeling that something terrible was going to happen, and soon. so i briefed all my friends and family on what to do in case we're attacked [don't ask me how i knew what to say...i just did]. and sure enuff, the next day, a group of us were at the farmer's market when we heard a loud shrill sound high above us. instinctively, i yelled at our group "everybody down! under the benches!" and dived underneath one of the wrought iron benches that lined the sidewalk. as i dived, i thought to myself, "oh God, it's starting. please let everyone remember what we went over yesterday." a split second later, i heard a missile crash down into one of the farmers' tents, and i wondered if we'd all slowly melt from radiation or get cut to shards by flying debris. i buried my face in my arms just in case i ended up surviving...i'd need my eyes to see if i did. i felt the earth beneath me heave to and fro, and heard the deafening screams of people running for their lives. something heavy fell on top of the bench i was hiding under, and i realized it was a dead body. a couple of seconds later the area around me was silent, and i cautiously raised my head to assess the damage. i was stunned by what i saw. bodies and limbs were everywhere, all stained with blood and mixed with splatterings of various fruits and vegetables. i suddenly noticed someone was whimpering softly, and as i pulled myself from underneath the bench, silently thankful that it was a wrought iron bench and not a wooden one, i called out, "michelle?! michelle?! is that you?? are you alright? did you get under a bench? where are you???" my sister then replied in between sobs, "yah, i'm here. i'm alright. i took the bench right before yours." i quickly found her and pulled her out, calling out the names of the other people we had been with. some had dived under benches too, but some others hadn't, and we had lost them. my heart
rose to my throat, and i choked out a small, frightened, desperate cry.

then i woke up.

nu skin...

...had to change it...was gettin' bored and feeling old every time i logged in to post.

the painting

i saw a painting last weekend that made me stir. well, it was actually a print of a painting. i should have bought it. it was fifty dollars and pretty large...i wanted it right away but thought it wasn't practical enough to buy. what a moron i am. now i'm searching for it online. it was a painting of a woman playing the cello. not that interesting, except that the broad strokes of the artist's brush, along with the generous use of scarlet and the position of the woman as she played, made it so alive. what lured me to the painting was the sense that the artist had captured a very private, very passionate moment...

...a woman abandoning herself to musicmaking.

protocol

you know what i'm tired of? and suck at? social protocols. i just don't get them sometimes.

mary vs. martha

I’ve always been more of a Martha than a Mary, and I often wonder why. If I could change into a Mary at the drop of a hat, I would. I often ask myself why I’m such a Martha: is it because I want to martyr myself? Is it because I want some kind of recognition or applause? Is it because I think working is more valuable to God than enjoying? Maybe it’s because I’ve always felt that love and loyalty is something I need to earn…something I can only receive if I prove that I’m deserving of it…something people will only give if they feel I’m worthy of it.

should i stay or should i go?

March seems to be flying by. I can’t believe this weekend is easter weekend. My in-laws have been here for most of the month, and I’ve been working late again. I realize I’m blessed to have this job, but this constant up and down is starting to annoy me. That, and the fact that none of our computers or software have been upgraded in 5 years, we haven’t been able to take classes or attend conferences to further develop our skills, and the office politics are starting to really burden me. I wonder if it’s time to go? Or do I stay since there’s no "real" reason to leave? Is it me being discontent or me needing to move on? I can’t tell.

uuuugggg

uuuugggg...i'm soooooo full. we went to jangtegulgui for sunhee's bday tonite and i totally stuffed myself. again. i can't seem to help it when it comes to korean bbq places. and this one is all you can eat! and boy did i eat. i'm ready to go to sleep but becoz my tummy's so full [ i can feel the meat just sitting like a boulder in my stomach] i can't lie down without wanting to throw up. so i have to remain vertical til i've digested everything. i hope i can get to sleep before 1am... =\

weekend

i'm leaving work early today to go pick up my sister in law. we're going to a womens' retreat put on by her church. it'll be somewhere in palm springs, and i'm looking forward to it. so much so, that last nite i couldn't sleep. i had intended on being in bed by 11pm, so that i could get into work by 8am, but i fell asleep closer to 2am and still got up at 7 to get to work by 8. it's 10 right now and i'm exhausted. i'm definitely not in my twenties anymore. =
i'd been wanting to get away for a weekend for a while now. susan had invited me to a scrapbooking retreat this weekend as well, and i really wanted to go...but it was $200. =( [for those of you who are rolling their eyes at the thought of a retreat devoted to scrapbooking, don't knock it til you try it!] this womens' retreat is only $50, and hopefully i get to spend some quality time with my new SIL. i don't know her very well yet, but i'm hoping that will change soon. so far i find her to be immensely likeable...pretty easy-going and the kind that likes to laugh a lot. she's pregnant too, with a girl, so it's an exciting time for the whole family. i can't wait to see what my new niece looks like! =D i wonder if she'll have a big head, as large craniums run in the jung family. [i was all head when i was little too, so i know for dang sure that my kid will have a large head...] anyway, i'm sad to be leaving emmanuel...it'll be our first wkend apart and i'm already starting to miss him...but i'm looking forward to getting to know my SIL better. i'm big on family, so i'd like for us to be close. of course, i know sometimes it just doesn't work out that way, but i can try. i just wish i had the same attitude towards my parents in law, who i found out are arriving on wednesday. i'm already starting to stress about it...there are tons of things i'd like to get done around our apt before they get here. i don't want them to say i don't keep our place clean enough or ask why i haven't done this or that yet. but i guess i'll have to worry about that after i get back from the retreat.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

upon my friend's suggestion to google myself, i discovered this song [which happened to come up as google's FIRST link]:

•••••••

VERSE 1
You shot and killed your cruel husband
Because you loved no one but me
You've got to tell 'em, you done th killin'
You done th killin', Hannah Lee
High, high, high on th gallows
O, long is th rope that waits for me
Take warnin' all you careless lovers
They hung that pretty gal, O Hannah Lee

VERSE 2
Her gentle eyes were softly glowin'
Th night I met that Hannah Lee
I took her love but without knowin'
They hung that pretty gall, O Hannah Lee
High, high, high on th gallows
O, long is th rope that waits for me
Take warnin' all you careless lovers
They hung that pretty gal, O Hannah Lee

VERSE 3
Down at th jail, on hangin' morning
I heard you tell 'em that you lied
I heard you say, you done th killin'
You done th killin', Hannah Lee
High, high, high on th gallows
O, long is th rope that waits for me
Take warnin' all you careless lovers
They hung that pretty gal, O Hannah Lee
Yes, they hung that pretty devil, Hannah Lee

•••••••

you can even listen to it on the site! hahahahaha!!!

God & the OT

yesterday eman and i went to mosaic. the sermon was actually a video taken when erwin mcmanus spoke at willow creek church a few weeks prior. it was a rousing message...one that seemed to grab ahold of my heart.

call me a bad christian, but lately i've been thinking about how unfair God is. since my small group has been studying david in the old testament, it's brought to surface a question long since buried in my heart: what the hell is up with the old testament?! i mean, is God bi-polar? [coz that would explain me! just kidding.] anyway, no, of course i don't think God is really bi-polar. but goodness, i have the darndest time reconciling the old testament God with the new testament Jesus. and getting back to david...wtf? i mean, he's human, like the rest of us, and he sins, like the rest of us, yet til the day he dies, he has God's favor upon him. and that favor is even extended to his son solomon, who, i can only imagine, was brought up with everything a kid could ask for, and then some. if i were a maiden in his kingdom, i'd probably look at him and think, "yah, you're hot and stuff, but damn you're spoiled." [and i'm not even gonna go into his marriage addiction. h-e-l-l-o?! how many wives does a guy need?!]

the old testament has always been a mystery to me. so much so that for years now i've kinda ignored it. i like Jesus in the new testament better than God in the old. but yesterday mcmanus was talking about the problem with "civilized christianity" [like, how it's a dead end, not to mention an oxymoron.] mcmanus is not a pastor that thinks you shouldn't struggle or question...he thinks it's healthy to struggle, healthy to question. and to be honest, it's a relief for me to hear it, coz i feel less like a freak, less like a borderline christian, less...alone. it got me thinking about all the issues i have with God. like, how i don't understand him. and how i have a real hard time with him in the OT. like how i struggle so much to understand him, coz he just seems so...off. especially in the OT. sometimes i just give up and try not to think of him for a while coz he gives me a headache but then i end up wondering what he's thinking as i'm rubbing my head in confused frustration and then i get upset coz i just told myself i wasn't gonna think about him yet i'm wondering what he's thinking!!! argh!!!

so in an effort to better understand God, i've decided to take a stab at the OT.

tuff enuff

so this marriage thing is pretty dang hard. our counselor put us on a schedule, coz he says we don't spend enuff quality time together. when we do spend time together, it's bcoz we need to get "stuff" done...like chores or bills or both. we don't actually spend any time just enjoying each other's company, and bcoz of that, we're in danger of growing really distant.

all this, and we've only been married for 2 months.

it's a little embarrassing, being put on a schedule at this stage of our marriage. my problem is i'm a do-er. it's hard for me to relax. i get antsy if i'm not doing anything productive, so just staying home with my husband and talking with him is...hard. my mind races, "i gotta return emails, i gotta do some research online, i gotta clean out and organize the office, i gotta update our finances, i gotta DO stuff! i can't just sit here and talk! we've got our whole lives to talk!" and it ends up being a very bad thing for us. eman, on the other hand, is a drifter. he likes to come home, watch tv, and eventually drift off to sleep. it's how he unwinds. but that means he's not talking either, which is also a very bad thing for us. plus, i don't like disturbing him when he's watching tv. i just figure it gives me a chance to get some work done. so on those rare nights where we're home alone, he watches tv, and i work in the office. not very romantic.

hence, the Schedule. it's pretty specific. and i'll do my darndest to abide by it, but already i'm nervous. what the heck are we gonna talk about? i imagine us sitting across from each other, just staring. him thinking about his patients, me thinking about everything else. i can't help but wonder if i'm tuff enuff for this marriage thing. i'd never bail...i'm adamantly opposed to divorce unless there's abuse in the family. but gosh...being married is causing me to deal with things i'd rather not deal with. and i know it's the same for eman, so at least we're both in the same boat. if anything, i think marriage will make both of us more honest with ourselves. it's hard to hide who you really are in marriage. my self-made delusions, though initially created to protect myself, will invariably end up alienating eman, if i'm not brave enuff to tear them down and deal with what's underneath.

heroes

we celebrated vday yesterday. we had a nice dinner and then rented Arthur. at least, i think that's what it's called. it's the movie with keira knightly and clive owen, with owen as king arthur. anyway, i was REALLY into it. and because we were watching it on our little tv, i moved up closer and leaned forward to catch every nuance of the characters' speech and actions. especially during the fight scenes. gawed, i love fight scenes. and what i loved most about the fight scenes in this movie was that keira played a fearless, heroic guenevere who had a mean arm when it came to shooting with a bow & arrow. she certainly was a match for arthur. he was masterful with his sword, but that's about it. she, on the other hand, totally kicked ass. she even fought alongside him with daggers! is that KEWL or what?! after the movie ended, i "practiced" some of her moves in our bathroom. [eman thought i was brushing my teeth.] it was fun, even tho' i almost went crashing into my shower door coz i lost my balance. eman asked me why i like action movies so much. he's never known a girl to like them. he's used to girls wanting to watch chick flicks but i always opt for the action ones. for me, these types of action movies ARE chick flicks...the best kind. the chicks aren't helpless, they're not sappy, and best of all, they're not waiting for some knight in shining armor or businessman in shining suit to come rescue them from...whatever. they can hold their own, and they're not afraid for themselves, only for those they love. they don't need a hero, coz they are one.

"inside india"

i was supposed to blog about this sat nite but fell asleep.

from my notes during newsong's missions nite called "Inside India":

"vision. tony compolo [the speaker for the nite] is talking about vision...how vital it is...how life changing...how necessary...and how we ALL have one. to go through life without one is like ignoring God's voice. he calls us his own, and he cares for us. but he also leaves us with a mission, whether we like it or not, whether we acknowledge it or not. there's a purpose to us being here, and it's got nothing to do with living comfortable, upper-middle class lives."

amen to that.

more and more, as i come home and look at my surroundings...new furniture, spacious apt, a shitload of nameless "things"...i question myself and my mind starts to wander. "this can't be all there is. it's nice, but this can't be it." "i gotta do something. God, show me what to do that's outside myself and not for myself. [but please don't make me work with any holy-rollers.]"

i've been researching different worldwide ministries...world vision, save the children, capstone ministries, international justice mission, even doctors without borders to name a few. so far, i'm interested in capstone [my uncle's on the board of directors] and ijm. i'd like to visit some of the places these ministries serve in...one of which happens to be india. i'm not sure why i'm currently fascinated with india. but i'm definitely more interested in that country than in any other. well, thailand runs a close second, but somehow, india really stands out in my mind. i can't but wonder if i'm supposed to do something there. but as i wrote in one of my earlier entries, if called, i question whether someone like me could actually serve in such a capacity. and more importantly, i wonder if God would actually call someone like me. i guess we'll see.

cancer to my soul, part 2

i was just rude to my friend. and for what? becoz she was so excited to find out the significance of ash wednesday, and what the ashes are made of. she happily and humbly told me how she just thought the ashes were something someone made up and that they were basically just soot from coal. she discovered the symbolism of it in scripture, and also found out that the ashes are made from palm leaves that have been sprinkled with holy water and blessed. it was a small, but wonderful reminder of Christ's sacrifice and resurrection to her, and she delighted in it. and me? i dismissed it all...said i already knew the significance and walked away.

what the hell is wrong with me? i'm so freakin' bitter. and i SO do NOT have the patience these days to hear about rituals or sacrifices ppl make to express their love for God. granted, there are some who just go through the motions of it all thinking the acts themselves make them "holy," but my friend is not one of them. she sincerely loves Jesus, and strives to be a better servant for His name. why was i so rude? the only explanation i can come up with ties in with this cancer i have in my soul. i'm so defensive and guarded towards anyone who talks about or describes christian acts/behavior bcoz i automatically think they're going to use that to judge me. "oh, you don't do this or react like this bcoz you're not a real christian yet," or "oh, you don't know this bcoz you don't have the holy spirit in you," or "our congregation is obedient & pleasing to God bcoz we pray this way and this often," or "this is what God wants...if you knew Him, you'd know that," or "this is the correct, GODLY way of behaving." i've heard these things so often that even tho' these holy rollers aren't physically around me now, whenever i think of them, i remember their words. and it makes me want to rebel. and it makes me not want to participate in anything "holy."

i have to go apologize to my friend now.

balky

last nite i dreamt i tried to seduce balky. remember him from "perfect strangers?" i had the biggest crush on him when i was younger. he was like a little puppy...so cute and sincere. and his naivete and overall goodwill-towards-men attitude made him all the more endearing. so he took things a little too literally? so he was guilible? so he was always getting his serious yet awkward american cousin larry into trouble? he meant well. and no one was cuter than balky when he was happy, grinning from ear to ear as he performed the "dance of joy." how could i NOT love him? anyway, i dunno why he was in my dream. i dunno why i tried to seduce him and i dunno if i succeeded either, coz my alarm went off before i could get a reaction out of him. but as i was brushing my teeth, it hit me:

emmanuel is balky.

shit.

i'm larry.

tug of war

he stands in front of all the clutter
ignores the background noise and focuses on my face.
he starts to smile out my frown
but in the middle of it i lay down
and pretend i don't notice.

the background starts to swallow him whole
i jerk up and grab his hand
but his stance starts to sink
as the noise turns black as ink
and soon the clutter obstructs my view.

"wait!" i cry and tug with all my might
but he can only look at me sadly.
i growl with anger...how dare he give up so soon?!
will he only rely on my little strength?
no matter, i will not let it take him.

fire walks within

the moonlight burns
as saturn turns
my skin to ash
spirit trashed
and fire walks within

words combined
give no peace of mind
it lies fraught with meaning
nonetheless still steaming
as fire walks within

i rotate towards you
and miss you and miss you
wish i could reach out
and actually touch you
but fire walks within

you can't get hurt
yet i fear the worst
and you're up so high
but the timing's not right
and fire walks within

motives

is it easy for you to discern your true motives? i think a lot of times i'm in denial about how selfish i truly am. but still there are times when i wish i could jump on a plane and fly across the world to intervene in some way...any way...before injustice claims yet another victim. yet, i often ask myself, "do i want to help because i need to feel needed? or worse, because i need to feel like i'm a good person?" it's hard to tell at times. i can be the biggest wuss, crying over an infomercial about forced teenage prostitution, or displaced refugees and their children, or tortured survivors moving swiftly from one hiding place to another so as not to get caught, and then look up websites and read read read about the plights of many, and research volunteer opportunities or short-term trips...and then i stop myself, because the reality is i don't have experience moving about outside my own comfortable little world...don't have experience with traveling to other countries...don't have experience in trying to adapt to new cultures...don't have experience in any of that at all. so what am i doing, daydreaming about flying to and fro with supplies and encouragement? what am i doing, when i have debts to pay and now a husband to care for? what am i doing, when i know full well that it takes a strong heart and stronger faith to do what others do? and then of course, the final question, being WHY do i even want to do it? and if it turns out that the answer to that question is legitimate, HOW am i going to do it? i can dream up ideas all i want, i still have to be realistic. and my reality tells me that i don't have enuff of what it takes...that i'm too accustomed to having plenty and having it easy. that i haven't suffered enuff to be able to reach out. so then what? i don't want to live in a comfortable shell all my life. i don't want my life to consist solely of work, family, and church activities. not that there's anything wrong with that of course...but i also want to be involved in things that get my blood pumping. and herein lies the dilemma...are my motives stemming from true compassion or from my own self-serving needs?

wanna wanna wanna

i have a bad case of the wannas. i wanna go clothes shopping so bad, i actually daydream about it every day. it's really strange. usually if i need or want an article of clothing i just go to ross or target and be done with it. but these days i've been browsing online at higher-end stores like banana republic, ann taylor, j. crew, etc...and been lusting after some of their stuff. i feel very guilty for doing so. i recently cracked the whip and put us on a strict budget to pay down our debts and drew up a financial goal/plan thingy for us to follow, so the fact that i'm secretly lusting online at these pretty new spring collections [that include pretty new accessories and shoes to match!] is greatly distressing. man, i feel like a girl.

cancer to my soul

i have to admit something, and i hate to admit it. i've been denying it for so long...hoping and praying [SO praying!] that my heart or the circumstances would change. but so far, nothing has. here it is: i REALLY dislike my parents-in-law. okey, now that i've typed it out, it doesn't seem so terrible. as a matter of fact, for some it might even be normal. but for me, it's a big deal. there aren't very many ppl in this world i actively dislike even if i've had a bad experience with them. as a matter of fact, i can only count 1 other person i really, truly, actively dislike. but to dislike my parents-in-law? that's BAD. and growing up, of all the issues i anticipated in marriage, i never thought i'd have to deal with this one. fights about money? sure, it comes with the territory. fights about other women? yup, depending on who i marry, i figured i'd have to deal with that at some point too. fights about where to spend the holidays? no-brainer...every couple fights about that. fights about how to raise the kids and how to split responsibility? uh-huh...expected that one too. but fights about the in-laws? no way.

i don't know what to do.

ugly

last nite was small group nite. and while i normally really look forward to thursdays, for some reason last nite i just didn't want to be there. it really bothered me to be feeling that way so as i sat and thought about why, i realized that lately i've been becoming more and more cynical about God and life in general. i know it's been slowly building up. and i think i've been trying to "fight" it in a sense by remaining involved with the core team and not thinking about it or talking about it with anyone. but i was surprised at the intensity of my desire to be somewhere other than small group, discussing something other than the Bible. i went home with the realization that i can't ignore it anymore and i tried to talk to emmanuel about it but it was difficult to articulate the different little thoughts and feelings i'd been having lately, and how that all added up to comprise this growing, gnawing cynicism. he was surprised to learn i hadn't discussed it with anyone and i tried to explain that up until then i hadn't even really awknowledged it to myself. every time the thought entered my mind i dismissed it. every time i felt the nudge to deal with it, i brushed it off. i dunno what was so special about last nite that i finally decided to look at it in the face, but now that i have, i can't deny its' existence any longer. and it's ugly, this face of cynicism. very ugly.

deleted post

my friend keeps asking me why i post and delete. i post when i'm feeling or thinking about something very intensely. if i post when i'm angry, i tend to write ugly things. and then afterwards, when i've calmed down, i feel bad for posting the ugly things. so that's when i delete. so i've deleted an earlier post from today. it was a reaction to someone in my family, and it was a poor reaction, and i should know better. maybe in addition to praying for patience and compassion for that person, i should also pray for temperance for me.

sun

i know i'm blogging a lot today...i guess i'm avoiding work. i can't help it...it's SUNNY today. after what seems like an endless downpouring of rain, it's actually SUNNY. if i wasn't sick still, i'd be out creating havoc in the sun. =P

no-stress resolution

you know what's interesting? the different ways ppl approach a new year. some make resolutions, some don't, and some make half-assed ones so they don't feel bad if they can't stick to 'em. it's pretty funny actually. i like the half-assed ones myself, coz those are the kind that i make. for instance, my single resolution for this year is to learn how to cook. not necessarily gourmet stuff, but more basic stuff...learn what stuff i should always have in my fridge and pantry, learn what ingredients usually go with what, learn what pot and pans to use [i never knew there was such a thing as a searing pan], learn how to make smaller leftover meals from one large one...stuff like that. my goal is to try one new recipe a week. oh, and most of all, i want to teach myself to really see the art in cooking. BUT...here comes the half-assed part...if i drop the ball on this cooking thing, i won't feel guilty. i'll just visit costco more often and buy microwavable meals in bulk. those are pretty good anyway. and nowadays they have such a huge variety of stuff. trader joe's is also a good place for instant meals. and of course, i can't overlook the pre-marinated meats and ban-chan at the korean market. see? my ass is covered. no sweat if i don't learn how to cook. man, i'm so glad i'm living in this modern age.

on writing

in between sleeping, eating, coughing up phlem and blowing my nose this weekend, i tried to sneak in some unpacking. [we're still not unpacked from the move & the wedding and we're still awaiting furniture.] anyway, i came across a box of old papers i had written during college...papers for my various english classes. i sat and sped-read through some of them, instructors' comments and all, and you know what? i used to be a pretty damn good writer! most of the papers received high scores and encouraging remarks, and i couldn't help but wonder, "could i have made a living out of writing if i had pursued it?" i remember being enthralled with virgina woolf and henry james...though they had very different styles of writing...and i remember jotting notes in the books i read [geek that i am] and highlighting like crazy. in retrospect, i think majoring in english was the right choice for me, even though i didn't pursue it further. but who knows...maybe one day i'll take a stab at publishing something. only, i won't use my real name. ;-)

a new oldskin for my blog

my friend joo has inspired me to change the skin of my blog. i wanted something really different from what i had, so...voila! =) yah, i know it's kinda boring...dull...old-fashioned...but just humor me, kay? it makes me think of old manuscripts, and coming from an english lit background, i just couldn't pass it up. =)

oh yah...and i am now embarking on WEEK THREE of my flu. =(

sick n' stuff

i'm currently sick. actually, i've been sick for a week now. a WHOLE week. i developed a fever yesterday too, so i had to leave work early.

a couple weeks ago, i blogged about something that had been brewing in my mind & heart for some time now, but i deleted it coz...well...i dunno exactly why. but it keeps coming up and i'm afraid i'm getting emotional about it...scared, unsure, etc. it's one of those "is it me or is it God nudging me?" things. i've never been good at figuring out which. i'm the doofus type of christian...i do things and then after the fact i pray things like, "oh i'm sorry God! i totally screwed up! please fix this for me!" and sometimes He does, coz He's so gracious. but other times He lets me deal with the consequences of my actions [though i know i've never been alone in dealing with them]. it's hard for me to discern His will. i think it's because i'm supremely selfish and have trust issues. but man, i could use some guidance now.