paris

the thought just occured to me that i may be going through some kind of withdrawal. looking at my paris photos just now lightened my mood but made me wonder if i'm feeling restless from being home [as in, the u.s.]. i didn't expect to love paris so much, or fall in love with traveling abroad. it's scary and exhilarating at the same time. scary coz i'm just a scaredycat by nature, but exhilarating coz it's a new adventure. the best part of paris for me was just walking around. i noticed that the french eat fresh, organic food, but they don't call it organic, coz it's just how they eat. they don't do the processed, overly preserved stuff. they eat like you're supposed to...with fresh ingredients. and they don't over-eat. their portions are much smaller, but surprisingly filling. who knew that you don't have to the have huge portions in order to be full? their bread is to die for. i mean, not stale AT ALL. i had a plain croissant every day. EVERY STINKIN' DAY, and ohmyfriggin'goodness they were PERFECT!!! PERFECT croissants!!! who the heck makes perfect croissants?!? the FRENCH do!!! i miss their croissants. i miss their cafe creme. i miss their madame croquette. i miss their food in general. i miss their architecture...their fabulous, centuries old, historic, ornate, architecture. i miss their numerous sidewalk cafes. i miss their bonjours and bonswars and bonnuits. i miss their tres biens and sil vous plaits and c'est bons. i miss their musees and jardins and rues. i miss paris. j'et'taime paris.

another dream

i told myself i would not post about my dreams anymore coz i think i'm starting to weird ppl out, but i think this dream explains a lot of why i've been feeling this way.

earlier this week i dreamt someone painted a picture of my life...and it was really pretty...kinda like a chagall/sargeant painting [not that those two artists have ever painted together] but it had qualities of both...the colors were more chagall, but the style was more sargeant. anyway. in the painting my arms are outstretched, and i think i'm smiling but i can't really tell. i'm floating on the right side of the painting, and everyone i've ever loved, past and present, friends and family...are all crowded on the left side, floating together in this massive swarm. it's obvious that they are all smiling...a very happy group. then suddenly, one by one, they start to disappear. i'm confused, and keep my arms outstetched, expecting them to reappear again. but they don't. and then i start yelling out to them..."don't fade! don't fade! don't go!" but they do. eventually, the crowd becomes noticeably smaller, and i'm frustrated and perplexed and sad. i try to float to the other side to reach them, but i can't, so i just keep yelling. after a little while, i get tired, and my voice gets hoarse, and in defeat i lower one arm and use the other to reluctantly wave goodbye. and then, slowly, i disappear. the last few ppl remaining in the painting are family members. imagine then, a camera panning out from the painting to show that the painting is hanging in a busy art gallery. there are several ppl hovering around the painting, drinks in hand, discussing the scene they just witnessed. they are very chic, and very removed. the camera then rotates to focus on the cameraman. and the cameraman is me.

weird, huh?

i know i dreamt other dreams that nite, but this is the one i remember the most vividly. the painting seemed so real...the colors were sooooo stinkin' vibrant! it was a gorgeous painting, it really was. lots of crimson red.

left behind

and i feel like i'm being left behind. why is that?
i hate birthdays.

birthdays

for some reason i've been feeling very...um...how shall i say this...bipolar? lately. like, i'll get really angry all of a sudden at something really small...and in my mind that little small thing grows into something much bigger and i imagine the bigger thing as though it's reality even though it isn't, and then i get even angrier. that's all during the day. then at nite when i'm in bed i think about all the imagined things i got angry about and i feel really stupid and get really sad about my stupidity.

i think it has something to do with my upcoming birthday. i'm really not looking forward to it. i kinda wish i could not have one this year. i'm not sure why...it's not even a "milestone" bday, but something about turning 34 is stressing me out.

i wanna move to paris. take on a new identity. well, first i'd have to learn french. =\ but i wanna move to paris and then tour the rest of europe and take photos and make photo books and eat lots of really good food and not gain weight by walking everywhere. that's what i wanna do. and i wanna get paid for my photos, so that i'll have money to eat the really good food all over europe.

i think i feel...deficient. and not even my capblasts are helping. i hate birthdays.