yesterday eman and i went to mosaic. the sermon was actually a video taken when erwin mcmanus spoke at willow creek church a few weeks prior. it was a rousing message...one that seemed to grab ahold of my heart.
call me a bad christian, but lately i've been thinking about how unfair God is. since my small group has been studying david in the old testament, it's brought to surface a question long since buried in my heart: what the hell is up with the old testament?! i mean, is God bi-polar? [coz that would explain me! just kidding.] anyway, no, of course i don't think God is really bi-polar. but goodness, i have the darndest time reconciling the old testament God with the new testament Jesus. and getting back to david...wtf? i mean, he's human, like the rest of us, and he sins, like the rest of us, yet til the day he dies, he has God's favor upon him. and that favor is even extended to his son solomon, who, i can only imagine, was brought up with everything a kid could ask for, and then some. if i were a maiden in his kingdom, i'd probably look at him and think, "yah, you're hot and stuff, but damn you're spoiled." [and i'm not even gonna go into his marriage addiction. h-e-l-l-o?! how many wives does a guy need?!]
the old testament has always been a mystery to me. so much so that for years now i've kinda ignored it. i like Jesus in the new testament better than God in the old. but yesterday mcmanus was talking about the problem with "civilized christianity" [like, how it's a dead end, not to mention an oxymoron.] mcmanus is not a pastor that thinks you shouldn't struggle or question...he thinks it's healthy to struggle, healthy to question. and to be honest, it's a relief for me to hear it, coz i feel less like a freak, less like a borderline christian, less...alone. it got me thinking about all the issues i have with God. like, how i don't understand him. and how i have a real hard time with him in the OT. like how i struggle so much to understand him, coz he just seems so...off. especially in the OT. sometimes i just give up and try not to think of him for a while coz he gives me a headache but then i end up wondering what he's thinking as i'm rubbing my head in confused frustration and then i get upset coz i just told myself i wasn't gonna think about him yet i'm wondering what he's thinking!!! argh!!!
so in an effort to better understand God, i've decided to take a stab at the OT.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Monday, February 14, 2005
tuff enuff
so this marriage thing is pretty dang hard. our counselor put us on a schedule, coz he says we don't spend enuff quality time together. when we do spend time together, it's bcoz we need to get "stuff" done...like chores or bills or both. we don't actually spend any time just enjoying each other's company, and bcoz of that, we're in danger of growing really distant.
all this, and we've only been married for 2 months.
it's a little embarrassing, being put on a schedule at this stage of our marriage. my problem is i'm a do-er. it's hard for me to relax. i get antsy if i'm not doing anything productive, so just staying home with my husband and talking with him is...hard. my mind races, "i gotta return emails, i gotta do some research online, i gotta clean out and organize the office, i gotta update our finances, i gotta DO stuff! i can't just sit here and talk! we've got our whole lives to talk!" and it ends up being a very bad thing for us. eman, on the other hand, is a drifter. he likes to come home, watch tv, and eventually drift off to sleep. it's how he unwinds. but that means he's not talking either, which is also a very bad thing for us. plus, i don't like disturbing him when he's watching tv. i just figure it gives me a chance to get some work done. so on those rare nights where we're home alone, he watches tv, and i work in the office. not very romantic.
hence, the Schedule. it's pretty specific. and i'll do my darndest to abide by it, but already i'm nervous. what the heck are we gonna talk about? i imagine us sitting across from each other, just staring. him thinking about his patients, me thinking about everything else. i can't help but wonder if i'm tuff enuff for this marriage thing. i'd never bail...i'm adamantly opposed to divorce unless there's abuse in the family. but gosh...being married is causing me to deal with things i'd rather not deal with. and i know it's the same for eman, so at least we're both in the same boat. if anything, i think marriage will make both of us more honest with ourselves. it's hard to hide who you really are in marriage. my self-made delusions, though initially created to protect myself, will invariably end up alienating eman, if i'm not brave enuff to tear them down and deal with what's underneath.
all this, and we've only been married for 2 months.
it's a little embarrassing, being put on a schedule at this stage of our marriage. my problem is i'm a do-er. it's hard for me to relax. i get antsy if i'm not doing anything productive, so just staying home with my husband and talking with him is...hard. my mind races, "i gotta return emails, i gotta do some research online, i gotta clean out and organize the office, i gotta update our finances, i gotta DO stuff! i can't just sit here and talk! we've got our whole lives to talk!" and it ends up being a very bad thing for us. eman, on the other hand, is a drifter. he likes to come home, watch tv, and eventually drift off to sleep. it's how he unwinds. but that means he's not talking either, which is also a very bad thing for us. plus, i don't like disturbing him when he's watching tv. i just figure it gives me a chance to get some work done. so on those rare nights where we're home alone, he watches tv, and i work in the office. not very romantic.
hence, the Schedule. it's pretty specific. and i'll do my darndest to abide by it, but already i'm nervous. what the heck are we gonna talk about? i imagine us sitting across from each other, just staring. him thinking about his patients, me thinking about everything else. i can't help but wonder if i'm tuff enuff for this marriage thing. i'd never bail...i'm adamantly opposed to divorce unless there's abuse in the family. but gosh...being married is causing me to deal with things i'd rather not deal with. and i know it's the same for eman, so at least we're both in the same boat. if anything, i think marriage will make both of us more honest with ourselves. it's hard to hide who you really are in marriage. my self-made delusions, though initially created to protect myself, will invariably end up alienating eman, if i'm not brave enuff to tear them down and deal with what's underneath.
heroes
we celebrated vday yesterday. we had a nice dinner and then rented Arthur. at least, i think that's what it's called. it's the movie with keira knightly and clive owen, with owen as king arthur. anyway, i was REALLY into it. and because we were watching it on our little tv, i moved up closer and leaned forward to catch every nuance of the characters' speech and actions. especially during the fight scenes. gawed, i love fight scenes. and what i loved most about the fight scenes in this movie was that keira played a fearless, heroic guenevere who had a mean arm when it came to shooting with a bow & arrow. she certainly was a match for arthur. he was masterful with his sword, but that's about it. she, on the other hand, totally kicked ass. she even fought alongside him with daggers! is that KEWL or what?! after the movie ended, i "practiced" some of her moves in our bathroom. [eman thought i was brushing my teeth.] it was fun, even tho' i almost went crashing into my shower door coz i lost my balance. eman asked me why i like action movies so much. he's never known a girl to like them. he's used to girls wanting to watch chick flicks but i always opt for the action ones. for me, these types of action movies ARE chick flicks...the best kind. the chicks aren't helpless, they're not sappy, and best of all, they're not waiting for some knight in shining armor or businessman in shining suit to come rescue them from...whatever. they can hold their own, and they're not afraid for themselves, only for those they love. they don't need a hero, coz they are one.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
"inside india"
i was supposed to blog about this sat nite but fell asleep.
from my notes during newsong's missions nite called "Inside India":
"vision. tony compolo [the speaker for the nite] is talking about vision...how vital it is...how life changing...how necessary...and how we ALL have one. to go through life without one is like ignoring God's voice. he calls us his own, and he cares for us. but he also leaves us with a mission, whether we like it or not, whether we acknowledge it or not. there's a purpose to us being here, and it's got nothing to do with living comfortable, upper-middle class lives."
amen to that.
more and more, as i come home and look at my surroundings...new furniture, spacious apt, a shitload of nameless "things"...i question myself and my mind starts to wander. "this can't be all there is. it's nice, but this can't be it." "i gotta do something. God, show me what to do that's outside myself and not for myself. [but please don't make me work with any holy-rollers.]"
i've been researching different worldwide ministries...world vision, save the children, capstone ministries, international justice mission, even doctors without borders to name a few. so far, i'm interested in capstone [my uncle's on the board of directors] and ijm. i'd like to visit some of the places these ministries serve in...one of which happens to be india. i'm not sure why i'm currently fascinated with india. but i'm definitely more interested in that country than in any other. well, thailand runs a close second, but somehow, india really stands out in my mind. i can't but wonder if i'm supposed to do something there. but as i wrote in one of my earlier entries, if called, i question whether someone like me could actually serve in such a capacity. and more importantly, i wonder if God would actually call someone like me. i guess we'll see.
from my notes during newsong's missions nite called "Inside India":
"vision. tony compolo [the speaker for the nite] is talking about vision...how vital it is...how life changing...how necessary...and how we ALL have one. to go through life without one is like ignoring God's voice. he calls us his own, and he cares for us. but he also leaves us with a mission, whether we like it or not, whether we acknowledge it or not. there's a purpose to us being here, and it's got nothing to do with living comfortable, upper-middle class lives."
amen to that.
more and more, as i come home and look at my surroundings...new furniture, spacious apt, a shitload of nameless "things"...i question myself and my mind starts to wander. "this can't be all there is. it's nice, but this can't be it." "i gotta do something. God, show me what to do that's outside myself and not for myself. [but please don't make me work with any holy-rollers.]"
i've been researching different worldwide ministries...world vision, save the children, capstone ministries, international justice mission, even doctors without borders to name a few. so far, i'm interested in capstone [my uncle's on the board of directors] and ijm. i'd like to visit some of the places these ministries serve in...one of which happens to be india. i'm not sure why i'm currently fascinated with india. but i'm definitely more interested in that country than in any other. well, thailand runs a close second, but somehow, india really stands out in my mind. i can't but wonder if i'm supposed to do something there. but as i wrote in one of my earlier entries, if called, i question whether someone like me could actually serve in such a capacity. and more importantly, i wonder if God would actually call someone like me. i guess we'll see.
cancer to my soul, part 2
i was just rude to my friend. and for what? becoz she was so excited to find out the significance of ash wednesday, and what the ashes are made of. she happily and humbly told me how she just thought the ashes were something someone made up and that they were basically just soot from coal. she discovered the symbolism of it in scripture, and also found out that the ashes are made from palm leaves that have been sprinkled with holy water and blessed. it was a small, but wonderful reminder of Christ's sacrifice and resurrection to her, and she delighted in it. and me? i dismissed it all...said i already knew the significance and walked away.
what the hell is wrong with me? i'm so freakin' bitter. and i SO do NOT have the patience these days to hear about rituals or sacrifices ppl make to express their love for God. granted, there are some who just go through the motions of it all thinking the acts themselves make them "holy," but my friend is not one of them. she sincerely loves Jesus, and strives to be a better servant for His name. why was i so rude? the only explanation i can come up with ties in with this cancer i have in my soul. i'm so defensive and guarded towards anyone who talks about or describes christian acts/behavior bcoz i automatically think they're going to use that to judge me. "oh, you don't do this or react like this bcoz you're not a real christian yet," or "oh, you don't know this bcoz you don't have the holy spirit in you," or "our congregation is obedient & pleasing to God bcoz we pray this way and this often," or "this is what God wants...if you knew Him, you'd know that," or "this is the correct, GODLY way of behaving." i've heard these things so often that even tho' these holy rollers aren't physically around me now, whenever i think of them, i remember their words. and it makes me want to rebel. and it makes me not want to participate in anything "holy."
i have to go apologize to my friend now.
what the hell is wrong with me? i'm so freakin' bitter. and i SO do NOT have the patience these days to hear about rituals or sacrifices ppl make to express their love for God. granted, there are some who just go through the motions of it all thinking the acts themselves make them "holy," but my friend is not one of them. she sincerely loves Jesus, and strives to be a better servant for His name. why was i so rude? the only explanation i can come up with ties in with this cancer i have in my soul. i'm so defensive and guarded towards anyone who talks about or describes christian acts/behavior bcoz i automatically think they're going to use that to judge me. "oh, you don't do this or react like this bcoz you're not a real christian yet," or "oh, you don't know this bcoz you don't have the holy spirit in you," or "our congregation is obedient & pleasing to God bcoz we pray this way and this often," or "this is what God wants...if you knew Him, you'd know that," or "this is the correct, GODLY way of behaving." i've heard these things so often that even tho' these holy rollers aren't physically around me now, whenever i think of them, i remember their words. and it makes me want to rebel. and it makes me not want to participate in anything "holy."
i have to go apologize to my friend now.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
balky
last nite i dreamt i tried to seduce balky. remember him from "perfect strangers?" i had the biggest crush on him when i was younger. he was like a little puppy...so cute and sincere. and his naivete and overall goodwill-towards-men attitude made him all the more endearing. so he took things a little too literally? so he was guilible? so he was always getting his serious yet awkward american cousin larry into trouble? he meant well. and no one was cuter than balky when he was happy, grinning from ear to ear as he performed the "dance of joy." how could i NOT love him? anyway, i dunno why he was in my dream. i dunno why i tried to seduce him and i dunno if i succeeded either, coz my alarm went off before i could get a reaction out of him. but as i was brushing my teeth, it hit me:
emmanuel is balky.
shit.
i'm larry.
emmanuel is balky.
shit.
i'm larry.
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