tuff enuff

so this marriage thing is pretty dang hard. our counselor put us on a schedule, coz he says we don't spend enuff quality time together. when we do spend time together, it's bcoz we need to get "stuff" done...like chores or bills or both. we don't actually spend any time just enjoying each other's company, and bcoz of that, we're in danger of growing really distant.

all this, and we've only been married for 2 months.

it's a little embarrassing, being put on a schedule at this stage of our marriage. my problem is i'm a do-er. it's hard for me to relax. i get antsy if i'm not doing anything productive, so just staying home with my husband and talking with him is...hard. my mind races, "i gotta return emails, i gotta do some research online, i gotta clean out and organize the office, i gotta update our finances, i gotta DO stuff! i can't just sit here and talk! we've got our whole lives to talk!" and it ends up being a very bad thing for us. eman, on the other hand, is a drifter. he likes to come home, watch tv, and eventually drift off to sleep. it's how he unwinds. but that means he's not talking either, which is also a very bad thing for us. plus, i don't like disturbing him when he's watching tv. i just figure it gives me a chance to get some work done. so on those rare nights where we're home alone, he watches tv, and i work in the office. not very romantic.

hence, the Schedule. it's pretty specific. and i'll do my darndest to abide by it, but already i'm nervous. what the heck are we gonna talk about? i imagine us sitting across from each other, just staring. him thinking about his patients, me thinking about everything else. i can't help but wonder if i'm tuff enuff for this marriage thing. i'd never bail...i'm adamantly opposed to divorce unless there's abuse in the family. but gosh...being married is causing me to deal with things i'd rather not deal with. and i know it's the same for eman, so at least we're both in the same boat. if anything, i think marriage will make both of us more honest with ourselves. it's hard to hide who you really are in marriage. my self-made delusions, though initially created to protect myself, will invariably end up alienating eman, if i'm not brave enuff to tear them down and deal with what's underneath.