i was just rude to my friend. and for what? becoz she was so excited to find out the significance of ash wednesday, and what the ashes are made of. she happily and humbly told me how she just thought the ashes were something someone made up and that they were basically just soot from coal. she discovered the symbolism of it in scripture, and also found out that the ashes are made from palm leaves that have been sprinkled with holy water and blessed. it was a small, but wonderful reminder of Christ's sacrifice and resurrection to her, and she delighted in it. and me? i dismissed it all...said i already knew the significance and walked away.
what the hell is wrong with me? i'm so freakin' bitter. and i SO do NOT have the patience these days to hear about rituals or sacrifices ppl make to express their love for God. granted, there are some who just go through the motions of it all thinking the acts themselves make them "holy," but my friend is not one of them. she sincerely loves Jesus, and strives to be a better servant for His name. why was i so rude? the only explanation i can come up with ties in with this cancer i have in my soul. i'm so defensive and guarded towards anyone who talks about or describes christian acts/behavior bcoz i automatically think they're going to use that to judge me. "oh, you don't do this or react like this bcoz you're not a real christian yet," or "oh, you don't know this bcoz you don't have the holy spirit in you," or "our congregation is obedient & pleasing to God bcoz we pray this way and this often," or "this is what God wants...if you knew Him, you'd know that," or "this is the correct, GODLY way of behaving." i've heard these things so often that even tho' these holy rollers aren't physically around me now, whenever i think of them, i remember their words. and it makes me want to rebel. and it makes me not want to participate in anything "holy."
i have to go apologize to my friend now.
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