an unearthing

i really must be a late bloomer. i feel like my thirties so far has all been about discovery. some good, some not so pleasant, but all valuable. it feels so different from my twenties, the decade usually associated with self-discovery. i can't say i regret my twenties [i don't] but it definitely feels like i was living for someone else's personal dream[s] and not my own. i'm glad i'm starting to come out of that collective shadow. but sometimes i can still hear the urgent voices, chanting in my head, "you must be better!" i never questioned it growing up, because i could tell that it wasn't something one ought to question. one is simply supposed to do it. but the question was always inside me nontheless..."why?" and "better than whom?"

i think i was reared to compete. i'm not sure however, if i have a natural inclination for it. i never liked competitions of any kind, though i was forced to participate in many. i guess my parents thought it would build confidence and independence in me. but it seemed to me that there always had to be a winner, and of course, if there's a "winner," there's always a "loser." i wish i had asked the questions long ago, "why is it SO important for me to be better than everyone else? why do i have to win EVERY time? why does that have to be a priority?"

anyway, now that i'm older, i've decided i don't have to make it a priority. i hated competing growing up, and i hate it even now. so i won't. and you know, i feel so much "lighter" having made that decision. i don't know why it never occured to be me before that i don't have to compete. i can now do what i like and need to do, without the pressure to be better than the next guy. it feels good. =)

intellectual poser

i've come to the conclusion that i'm an intellectual poser. volunteering at the us center, i hear the most extraordinary conversations. some of them are just waaaay over my head, and others are provacative, yet understandable. i've been invited to join a few too, which is really nice and often gives me a kind of adrenaline rush, but honestly...more often than not, i leave the office at the end of the day feeling less than intelligent.

i'm really amazed by the ppl here. i'm especially impressed w/my two colleagues in the graphics dept...brian and amanda. in addition to being creative, they're real thinkers. they don't just talk about whatever they're working on, they discuss things of greater scale...they talk about things that affect humanity and whether or not one thing could possibly be the solution for another, and whether God intended for this to happen or not and if He didn't, then what do we do about it now and how are our actions going to affect future generations and what's really relevant to our culture, and what direction is the Church going and is that necessarily a good thing or a bad thing, and what are the most difficult issues Christians today face and can this or that be resolved and if it can then can it be resolved in our lifetime and if it can't then why not and what can we do to speed the process and what's really dividing the Church and believers today and are those divisions real or simply a matter of pride and what does it take to really show ppl that they are individually and uniquely loved by the Almighty Creator and so on and so forth. really...sometimes their conversations are so moving that i rush home and google whatever it is they were talking about.

i can't believe they let me stay here. i can't believe they let me join in on their conversations...let me work alongside them...let me pose my thoughts and questions...let me listen...let me in. i've never felt more unintelligent and superficial on a daily basis before, and as much as that bothers me...as much as i feel like an intellectual poser...i really appreciate it too. if i didn't feel this way...if i wasn't exposed to all this...i don't know that i'd ever be inspired to learn, or even care.

feeling stupid can be a good thing i guess.

my celebrity lookalikes

omg...this is HIlARIOUS...check out my second round of matches... =)

anniversary recap

boy, i'm just recapping all over the place today...

for our second anniversary, we went back to vegas [even though we were JUST there a week prior] coz our sister-in-law joanne accidentally booked a second suite at the aladdin [she was there for a conference] and didn't want it to go to waste. we had a great time hanging out with them and our little niece alexis. [i know we all think our nieces and nephews are adorable, but seriously...MY niece takes the cake, y'all!] and we got some "alone time" to go watch Le Reve at the new Wynn hotel. can i just tell you, that show was FREAKIN' AMAZING. i've seen 3 cirque du soleil shows in vegas, and that one by far is the best one i've seen [yes, even better than Mystere]. i loved it so much i've requested to go back next year and watch it again. anyway...it was a great second anniversay...even better than the first! =D

thanksgiving recap

is it lame to write about thanksgiving almost a month later? =P well, here's a quick breakdown:

• family flew in [mom, dad, michelle & my future bro-in-law mike]
• road trip to vegas and the hoover dam [awesome time w/the fam...i won some $$$ too!!!]
• wedding dress shopping for michelle...she bought a dress!!!
• fancy dinner for mom's 60th bday @ castaways [she LOVED the view]
• michelle cooked ENTIRE thanksgiving meal [coz i was sick in bed w/the flu...a bad case of it too...and had to be holed up by myself in our bedroom eavesdropping on the festivities and conversations going on in the living room]
• michelle & mike left early
• celebrated nick's bday at yard house
• treated mom, dad and komo to an awesome seaside lunch at las brisas in laguna beach [i WILL retire there someday]
• mom made some amazing korean dishes for us to enjoy
• mom, dad and komo helped put up and decorate the tree
• mom & dad left...signaling the end of Thanksgiving... =(

and here are some photos:

walter hoving home

this past sunday i visited the walter hoving home for women in pasadena. i'd never been there before and didn't even know that such a place existed in this area. i went with my friend roraine, and we met up with lots of other women from both mosaic and world vision. we were all there to serve dinner to the ladies who live in the home and try to connect with them. i didn't know what to expect, and i was actually a little nervous. i had been told that the women there were all former prosititutes who are trying to turn their lives around...i didn't know how i would connect with them or if they'd even be interested in conecting with me. but i worried needlessly. the women there were nothing short of amazing. my pastor's wife, kim, gave a little testimony/sermon after the dinner part was over. she used scripture from proverbs and she made it a point to interrupt herself every so often to ask if anyone could relate to what she was reading/talking about - personal experience and praise. i was amazed at the number of women who literally jumped up out of their seats, eager to share about their pasts and how God had "delivered" them. many of them spoke through tears as they recounted what their lives used to consist of, compared to what their lives consist of now. they all gave praise and thanks to God for His grace and unwavering love. God was restoring these women, and the transformations were palpable and beautiful and humbling. i was in awe [and tears!], sitting there, listening to these very personal stories. and they not only shared their stories, but they also broke out in song! they assembled themselves into a choir, and we all sang together. it was truly an inspiring evening. i went there to serve them, but instead they served me.

best qualities

i took a "what's your best quality" test at joo's suggestion. she did it herself a few weeks ago [you can see her results on her blog] and it made me curious. so here are my results:

"Hannah, your top quality is Creativity. Combined with your second- and third-ranked qualities, Intelligence and Independence, you have a very unique set of characteristics you can use to your advantage. Only .1 percent of all people share these three top qualities."

and they even give you a graph of different traits and how you rank in each:



i have to admit, i was surprised [pleasantly] to see that intelligence was way up there, coz i have a lot of "blonde" moments, as susan can attest. =) i was also sad to see that communication was dead last. =( i've had other ppl tell me that i don't communicate well but to get a visual of my lack of communication is kinda ouchie. sigh. gotta keep working on that...

10 lbs!!!

OMG...i lost TEN pounds!!! TEN FREAKING POUNDS!!! =D

okey this south beach thing really works. i didn't even know i was losing weight....i've just been eating healthier. i feel like my energy level has increased a bit too. but my clothes still fit the same, so i dunno what that means...i'd think that by losing 10 lbs my clothes would be a lot looser on me...but whatever. i'm still happy. =)

focus

i think we need focus. my heart and mind are being pulled in so many directions right now...there are so many things we want to participate in/contribute to/get involved with...but we can't be involved with all of it...we need to choose what we want to focus on...what's really important to us.there are things that strike a deeper chord in me than in eman and vice versa, so it's not easy. i wish money wasn't an issue...we could go wherever and contribute however. we gotta focus focus focus...where/how does God want to use us? what should we pay the most attention to?

happiest workplace on earth?

last wkend eman and i went to a kaiser permanente's new physicians orientation retreat. it was held at disneyland. not in the theme park, but in one of their new hotels. i was kinda dreading going [what could be more boring than sitting in a room full of doctors talking shop? - sorry honey] but it was actually kinda fun! the meals were great [and the hotel was REALLY nice!], everything was free [full bar baby!], and the speakers were humorous. not because they were trying to be, but just because they sounded like cheerleaders...all saying how great kaiser is and how it's the best place to work. one person even said that the retreat was being held at disneyland because disneyland is the happiest place on earth and kaiser is the happiest workplace on earth! hahaha!! i'm sure kaiser's great, but that line just cracked me up. =P

fire!

two wkends ago, while helping my friend nick move, i received a frantic phone call from my aunt..."hannah! is gramma with you? do you know where she is?" alarmed, i replied no, and came to find out that my gramma's apt was on fire! she wasn't answering her home phone or cell phone, but after a few tries, she eventually picked up her cell. thankfully, she was on her way home from church, so she had no idea what was going on. i instructed her to wait for me to come get her. i found her at the church across the street from her apt, sitting on the steps with a friend, staring up at her building. i must say, it was quite a scene. firefighters everywhere, and two fire trucks! i asked one firefighter if i could go up and take inventory of my gramma's apt [at her request] so he accompanied me upstairs to the 3rd floor [which is where the fire originated and where my gramma lives]. it was like a scene out of a movie...no lights, except for the flashlights the firefighters used, black soot covering the walls everywhere, and a weird subtle odor. honestly, it was kinda scary. i overheard one of the firemen ask the one who escorted me upstairs, "is she the granddaughter of the old man?" in a discreet tone. immediately, i though, "oh no...one of the grandpas here has died." and sure enuff, my gramma's next door neighbor, who was 94 years old, died that nite. he was bedridden and couldn't get up to escape. it made me sad to think of it...but my gramma said that he probably died from the smoke, and not from burning to death. she said her other neighbors told her that the firemen came right away, and it turns out that there was minimal damage to other apts [including my grammas]. but still, since the smoke and soot was all over the entire 3rd floor, none of the residents will be able to move back until the apt management has renovated that whole area. in the meantime, my gramma is being shuffled between our place, my cousins' place, and my uncle's place. poor gramma. she kept saying she's too old for drama. i kept reminding her that she's korean. she tried to smack me but missed. =P

wkend recap

okey it's thursday now...i think i've recovered sufficiently from last weekend. last weekend was very draining in more ways than one. i participated in my first Guluwalk...a truly wonderful experience, and one that i will do again next year. while walking with my aunt, i fell into step with another participant...a tall stately man from Uganda. he told me a bit about himself...a student, husband, and father with 3 kids, living in simi valley...trying to raise awareness of the atrocities taking place in his homeland. i asked him to tell me a little about the children we were walking for, and he obliged. listening to him speak, i could hear the strain in his voice, the emotion behind his words. it was hard not to get choked up...for a while i forgot that we were walking in 80+ degree heat, in the middle of well-to-do westlake village. if you want to know more about what he shared with me, feel free to call or email, but let's just say that it's truly amazing how little americans know about the situation over there, and how little help they are receiving given their state of affairs.

i came home both physically and emotionally tired from the walk, and spent the rest of the day and sunday helping a new friend find an apt for herself and her almost 2 yr.old son. it was bittersweet, driving around with her and her boy, looking at different places in pasadena. she was excited to be on the cusp of a new start to her life, a new chapter for herself and her son, but i could sense a very deep resounding pain within her. divorce is never easy, and when it comes on the heels of betrayal, it's downright hell. i don't understand why ppl betray those they claim to love, but i've come to accept that it's all a part of life. and i have a strong suspicion that once she's done moving and has settled into her new life in pasadena, the reality of that betrayal and subsequent divorce will hit her like a ton of bricks. i hope eman and i can be somewhat of an encouragement to her and be a little bit of a "safe place" for her to unload or vent or cry, coz healing is a bitch.

Guluwalk!

on a more hopeful note, this sat i will be particpating in Guluwalk to help the children of northern uganda. each participant is asked [but not required] to raise $100. the goal is to have 100,000 participants raise $100 each, totalling $1 million. the money will go to organizations already established in uganda to help provide these children with a safe haven and a safe journey.

if you are interested in learning more about the plight of uganda's most vulnerable, there's a brief summary here: www.worldvision.org/childrenofwar

and if you'd like to read more about Guluwalk, or participate in it yourself [it's nationwide and the $100 fundraising fee is not mandatory], you can check it out here: www.guluwalk.com

crazy

i woke up sad today. there are a couple of ppl who are hurting right now, and i feel helpless as i listen to their pain. there's also some personal drama going on, and i feel helpless in that too. i'm a very emotional person, as anyone can attest, and although at times that can be a good thing, when i get sad or am hurt or angry, it can be very difficult to think rationally.

maybe because of all that i had been thinking about last nite, and all that's been on the news lately, i had another crazy dream. crazy...sad...with a lot of gray. i dreamt that every single person in the u.s. were given the opportunity to partake in a covert operation to north korea...with the mission of smuggling out as many villagers as possible. a large number of us accepted the mission and we went, dressed in grey rags, to the outskirts of pyongyang. in the dream, the second our feet touched north korean soil, the colors of the world shrank back and disappeared, leaving only colorless grey. it was surreal. it seemed as though i was the only one who noticed it though, because when i tried to call attention to it, the captain of our team looked at me as though i were crazy. "this is north korea" he firmly stated. "there has never been color here."

we stepped out of our boats and dispersed, each team splitting into smaller cells of 3 or 4. i dunno how we all knew where to go, but we did, and eventually my teammates and i fell upon a tiny rural village of makeshift homes. it was very dark, but no one was sleeping. everyone was inside their homes, preparing for the next day's work. we quietly snuck into each "house," whispering urgently for the inhabitants to quietly put on a coat and shoes and follow us into the brush...to safety, to freedom, but mostly, to food...it was plain to see that they were all starving. slowly but surely, they did as we asked, and from my captain's perspective, he could see literally hundreds of ppl , cold, malnourished, scared...stepping out into the clear to get onto the literal fleet of tiny boats that would take them away from the country in which they were raised.

i remember feeling mixed emotions in the dream as i helped individuals into our boat...happy that they were finally able to escape the ruthless rule of a crazed lunatic, yet incredibly sad for them too. i knew leaving their country was not easy, and under normal circumstances they would opt not to leave. i knew also that once they arrived in the various "host" countries...the u.s., south korea, and australia [i dunno how australia got in my dream]...that they'd have the worst kind of culture shock...they'd come face to face with the fact that their president...their beloved leader...had lied to them...that there was a wealth of food available. but the hardest part, would come later...when they would have to choose forgiveness...choose to relinquish the bitterness ingrained in them...in order to be healed.

alexis @ 15 months

talking with susan yesterday, i realized i haven't posted photos of our niece. susan's a much better auntie than i am! but i adore my niece...she's soooo loving and low-maintenance. and she's really pretty...she's got big brown eyes full of expression and long lashes [for a full korean kid]. and her lower lip is fuller than her upper, which i think is just so cute. how do i know she's low-maintenance? coz we babysat her for a whole day and she wasn't difficult AT ALL. she even signaled to me when she went "ee-ee," which means she pooped, and lay very quietly singing to herself as i changed her diaper. when she was hungry, she'd come up to me and say "peach-ee! peach-ee!" and i'd give her tiny bite-sized portions of white peaches. and when she was tired, she'd pat her chest, say "neh-neh" and then crawl into my arms to be rocked. SOOOO LOW-MAINTENANCE man. i hope if we have kids they're just as easy. please God...don't let me have rebellious offspring!

atlanta

i forgot to blog about my trip to atlanta!

susan and i went for a missions conference...my very first...and it was awesome! we kinda had to stay in a roach motel for a nite, but it wasn't that bad. i just had a hard time sleeping coz i watched the movie "heat" on tv before going to bed and i started to think crazy thoughts about ppl trying to break into our room. so i tried to train myself to sleep with my eyes open [coz i hear you can actually do that!] but i must've closed them at some point coz when i woke up i had to open my eyes to see susan standing over me.

anyway, the conference really touched me...not in a tear-jerking way, but in a more rallying kind of way. and i learned a lot. so i'm really glad i went. our friend yoomee had just moved to atlanta too, so we got to hang out with her and even stay with her in her brother's HUMONGOUS house. such great hospitality! and great food! her sister-in-law is an amazing korean cook...i think susan and i gained some weight from just our two meals at their place [hence my south beach diet]. it was nice to play with yooms, but weird in that we were playing in a completely different city.

aside from the conference, one of the most memorable times we had was when we all went to the newly opened atlanta aquarium. it's enormous...the largest aquarium in the freakin' WORLD. can you imagine? the whole dang freakin' WORLD!!! and i have to admit, i was in AWE of their main tank...GINORMOUS! [gigantic + enormous = ginormous] it fit THREE whales comfortably! oooh i loved being there! i'd definitely go back to atlanta to revisit yooms and the aquarium again!

south beach update

it's been about a week and a half into phase one and i've lost 5 lbs so far. =\ i have to say, i'm a bit disappointed. the average range is from 7-13 lbs. i hope i at least make the minimum of 7 by the end of this first phase. since i "cheated" on the gourmet dinner my aunt prepared last wkend [how could i tell her i couldn't eat her delicious entrees knowing that she had spent the entire afternoon cooking?] i'm extending phase one til tuesday. originally sunday was supposed to be my last day, but oh well. i think i've been doing pretty good...eating a mushroom omelette with salsa and turkey bacon practically every morning, reducing my iced coffee intake to a single cup a day, eliminating carbs, drinking more water, and snacking on cheese. oh yah, and i've only had capblasts once a week. i sure hope all this sacrifice pays off. it's been nice cooking [i have to follow the south beach diet recipes, which actually are very very good] and discovering how to put together different kinds of ingredients to make a meal. and eman's been very supportive...only eating what i can eat as well [aside from rice...he has to have rice]. so i guess all in all this phase isn't as hellish as i thought it was going to be. but then again, i'm sure it's tolerable because i still allow myself coffee. if i had to cut that out completely, i think i'd just give up.

i've been struggling with anger recently. most of it stems from my experiences with the korean christian church, and well, other korean christians. for some reason, i've always felt compelled to put on a certain type of mask for them. i mean, not for THEM, but for me...for them to like me, to accept me, to stop asking me if i'm full korean.

i know it sounds strange. i think i've always wanted to be accepted by them though, ever since i was a kid. it was hard growing up in a korean christian church coz i was so confused about christianity and had so many questions about God and Jesus and it didn't seem like anyone liked me for that. i desperately wanted someone to talk with about these questions but i only had one friend, and since i wanted to keep her, i didn't bring up serious things like God and Jesus...i kept conversations light and fun...so we mostly talked about boys and shopping. i thought the other stuff might scare her away from me, might make her think i was weird [which was what all the other kids thought] and then i'd have no friends at all. acceptance was a real bitch.

eventually though i learned that no one was interested in my questions and i started to keep them to myself. i also learned how to say the things that the other kids at church said too, so that i seemed more normal to them. later on i discovered that lingo had a name: christianese. but i started to get the hang of using it, and by the time i graduated college [and had moved on to a multi-ethnic church] i was practically fluent in christianese. and very proud of it too. before long i was leading a small group, and my christianese started to become burdensome because i was "talking the talk but not walking the walk." [who comes up with these phrases?] i noticed that i was becoming more and more of a fake, but i didn't know what to do about it, and gosh darnit, ppl were so freakin nice to me, and it felt so freakin good to finally feel accepted at church after all those years of being the weirdo kid, that i did nothing about it. i just let myself become more monstrous until one day i looked in the mirror and saw something hideous staring back at me: myself.

dammit i hate when i go off on tangents. anyway, back to the original topic of this entry: i have issues with anger. specifically with koreans. i know this coz i'm increasingly having issues with korean authority. i don't like ppl speaking to me in authoritative tones, using authoritative words, positioned in authoritative stances, giving me authoritative glances. it's a real problem, coz i know that no matter where i go in life, i'm never going to be in control of everything. i'm going to have to work with ppl who are in positions of authority over me til i die. but dangnabbit, it's really sucking right now. i wish these koreans would stop telling me how to live my life, but no...they insist they know better.

i want to just give them the finger while drinking a cappucino blast and walk away.

diet vs exercise?

a few nites ago eman and i had dinner w/my gramma...whom i love, yet whom i'm still a little afraid off. <=anyway, as we're walking out of her apt she whispers to me in a very grave korean tone, "you look fatter. you've gained weight. hmmm...yes, your waist is thick now. that's not good. you have to exercise." i smiled and nodded. i know my metabolism has slowed considerably since turning 30, but i HATE to exercise. i mean, i HATE it. i have a gym membership but i never use it. and i have a slew of workout dvds too, but i hardly pop those into our vcr. and when i do, i end up just watching the ppl in the video work out for a bit and then go get a capblast to reward myself for at least watching a fitness video. [sigh] so now, inspired by my friends susan and jeff, i've decided to go on the south beach diet. i figure it beats exercising. but i'm only on my first day of the diet, and i've already broken it by not eating breakfast and having sweet and sour meatballs for lunch. and now...NOW...i'm desperately craving a nice, sweet, coffee drink...preferably in the form of a capblast. but i promised susan i'd only have those on sundays. =( what do i do? i can't think straight! i can't focus! i had a crappy starbucks iced latte with NO flavoring and NONfat milk sweetened with splenda [which has a funny aftertaste] and i couldn't even finish drinking it coz it was sooo crappy!

uuuuuuggggghhhhhh...i...hate...dieting...i... just...want...to...die. =(

i wonder if this really is the better alternative to exercise.

9/11 on 9/12

i'm ashamed to admit this, but yesterday i did everything i could NOT to remember the events of 9/11. over the wkend i tried watching a couple of specials on it, and i found myself getting all upset and emotional again, so i just stopped. i didn't turn on the tv, i didn't visit my usual news web sites, and i didn't listen to the radio. but today, for some reason, i can't seem to stop from thinking about that day. i remember being woken up by a friend that morning..."hannah, get up. turn on your tv." it was a command, and the tone was urgent. i immediately sensed something was very very wrong. little did i know. it's hard to believe five years has passed since then.

oh yah, and pics from a bday soiree...

...for myself and john. we had a little soiree at magnolia's...a local [a block from our apt!] bar/lounge that serves amazing food in an equally amazing atmosphere. and as cheesy as this sounds, i feel very lucky to be able to celebrate with friends. thanks guys! =)

okey...i think i'm all caught up now. between hawaii, the road trip, and nyc, august was a very hectic month! but i loved it...i LOVE traveling. now i just have one more trip to look forward to...my first missions conference in atlanta next wkend with susan. after that, summer will really feel like it's over. =( but i have great memories of august! =D

pics of wine country

and here are some pics from our recent road trip to napa and sonoma! =D

pics of chico

to backtrack just a little bit, here are some pics from our time in chico visiting deke!

i love new york pictures