i've been struggling with anger recently. most of it stems from my experiences with the korean christian church, and well, other korean christians. for some reason, i've always felt compelled to put on a certain type of mask for them. i mean, not for THEM, but for me...for them to like me, to accept me, to stop asking me if i'm full korean.

i know it sounds strange. i think i've always wanted to be accepted by them though, ever since i was a kid. it was hard growing up in a korean christian church coz i was so confused about christianity and had so many questions about God and Jesus and it didn't seem like anyone liked me for that. i desperately wanted someone to talk with about these questions but i only had one friend, and since i wanted to keep her, i didn't bring up serious things like God and Jesus...i kept conversations light and fun...so we mostly talked about boys and shopping. i thought the other stuff might scare her away from me, might make her think i was weird [which was what all the other kids thought] and then i'd have no friends at all. acceptance was a real bitch.

eventually though i learned that no one was interested in my questions and i started to keep them to myself. i also learned how to say the things that the other kids at church said too, so that i seemed more normal to them. later on i discovered that lingo had a name: christianese. but i started to get the hang of using it, and by the time i graduated college [and had moved on to a multi-ethnic church] i was practically fluent in christianese. and very proud of it too. before long i was leading a small group, and my christianese started to become burdensome because i was "talking the talk but not walking the walk." [who comes up with these phrases?] i noticed that i was becoming more and more of a fake, but i didn't know what to do about it, and gosh darnit, ppl were so freakin nice to me, and it felt so freakin good to finally feel accepted at church after all those years of being the weirdo kid, that i did nothing about it. i just let myself become more monstrous until one day i looked in the mirror and saw something hideous staring back at me: myself.

dammit i hate when i go off on tangents. anyway, back to the original topic of this entry: i have issues with anger. specifically with koreans. i know this coz i'm increasingly having issues with korean authority. i don't like ppl speaking to me in authoritative tones, using authoritative words, positioned in authoritative stances, giving me authoritative glances. it's a real problem, coz i know that no matter where i go in life, i'm never going to be in control of everything. i'm going to have to work with ppl who are in positions of authority over me til i die. but dangnabbit, it's really sucking right now. i wish these koreans would stop telling me how to live my life, but no...they insist they know better.

i want to just give them the finger while drinking a cappucino blast and walk away.