an unearthing

i really must be a late bloomer. i feel like my thirties so far has all been about discovery. some good, some not so pleasant, but all valuable. it feels so different from my twenties, the decade usually associated with self-discovery. i can't say i regret my twenties [i don't] but it definitely feels like i was living for someone else's personal dream[s] and not my own. i'm glad i'm starting to come out of that collective shadow. but sometimes i can still hear the urgent voices, chanting in my head, "you must be better!" i never questioned it growing up, because i could tell that it wasn't something one ought to question. one is simply supposed to do it. but the question was always inside me nontheless..."why?" and "better than whom?"

i think i was reared to compete. i'm not sure however, if i have a natural inclination for it. i never liked competitions of any kind, though i was forced to participate in many. i guess my parents thought it would build confidence and independence in me. but it seemed to me that there always had to be a winner, and of course, if there's a "winner," there's always a "loser." i wish i had asked the questions long ago, "why is it SO important for me to be better than everyone else? why do i have to win EVERY time? why does that have to be a priority?"

anyway, now that i'm older, i've decided i don't have to make it a priority. i hated competing growing up, and i hate it even now. so i won't. and you know, i feel so much "lighter" having made that decision. i don't know why it never occured to be me before that i don't have to compete. i can now do what i like and need to do, without the pressure to be better than the next guy. it feels good. =)