guilt & waiting

every day that i'm here i feel sad. i'm only happy when i get to go home. and i really do live for the weekends, no matter how busy i may be with errands and such. every day that i'm here is just agonizing. i wonder how i came to detest my workplace so much? there's nothing wrong with it. i like the ppl...i think very highly of my team...i have a nice cube...i know what i'm doing...it's in a great location...etc. why do i hate being here so much? maybe it's coz i don't feel like i can be myself here. and i'm too old and tired now to put on the happy designer front. i'm not comfortable here anymore, that's for sure. a part of that has to do with feeling like i'm somehow deceiving everybody becoz they don't know i'm planning on leaving. i know that's retarded. ppl put up fronts all the time at their current jobs while they look for a different one. so why should i feel like i'm wronging them somehow? [sigh] why indeed. i need to get over my guilt complex. i hate it especially coz it inhibits my freedom. i can't just BE when i feel guilty. ugh. of all things to feel guilt over, what kind of moron am i that i feel guilt over this? it makes the waiting so much harder...so much harder to focus on the tasks at hand, so much harder to enjoy the company of my colleagues before i go. one of them recently asked why i was so anti-social. i didn't know how to respond. in my mind, i was thinking, "i'm not being anti-social...i just don't want to have too much fun w/you guys here coz i'm afraid it'll deter me from leaving!" but i just said i haven't been getting enuff sleep coz of my husband's pager going off at all hours of the nite. [that's actually true though.] oh goodness goodness goodness. the wait is the most unpleasant thing of all.