it's amazing how one can go from loving something to hating it. i used to love laws. i mean, the "christian" ones. there are lots of them, so organizing them in my mind was sometimes difficult, but still, i liked leafing through my mental files and pulling out the one[s] i specifically needed in a given situation. sometimes that situation was about me making a decision, and other times it was about me judging somebody. either way, that mental logbook came in pretty handy, coz it enabled me to feel pretty good about myself. by making a decision based on those laws, i could feel good about myself for making the "right" decision. by judging others by them i could feel good about myself for making a "righteous" judgement [and pat myself on the back for not being like them]. at the end of the day, those "Christ-centered" laws justified everything i did, said, and thought, because those laws made me right. and being right was the most important thing. if i hurt someone's feelings, i could avoid the guilt by reminding myself, "well, at least i'm right!" being right meant i didn't have to answer to anyone, didn't have to apologize to anyone, didn't have to be sensitive to anyone, didn't have to look inward and question whether or not i was being a hypocrite, because i was right. being right justified every self-motivated and arrogant thing about me.
you wanna talk about legalism? about being a pharisee? about living without loving? you can ask me. i was probably one of the worst, because my thirst for biblical knowledge gave me a big head and i was surprised at how fast i was "growing" in my faith. i assumed my relatively quick intellectual absorbtion of scriptural truths meant i was also ingesting them in my heart. i was wrong. "God detests pride but gives grace to the humble." THAT'S all over the bible, but somehow i didn't catch that one.
i don't remember a lot of those laws anymore, and i'm glad. i guess you could call me a recovering legalist. and i hope i continue my recovery. doing everything right isn't bad, but it's impossible. i realize that seeing ppl's hearts despite their actions, is more christian than judging those actions, no matter how right i may be. God help me disentangle the laws from my heart.
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