mid-life rebellion

i am about to explode.

i should have rebelled in my early teen years. my mistake is that i was a very obedient child, teenager, and young adult. my family is used to me more or less doing what i am told, jumping through their hoops, and working hard to please them.

so now that i'm expressing my dissident opinions and not putting up with their various self-righteous and self-martyring stances, i'm more or less the devil child. my mom just told me [with my dad yelling at me in the background] that she didn't think we communicated well anymore, which i agreed with, so i guess we won't talk very much from here on out...better to "keep the peace" that way. and of course since my relatives think i've abandoned my faith by considering obama i guess that relationship will be relegated to the superficial as well.

isn't this just wonderful? [i'm being sarcastic here.]

this is what i get for being a family-pleaser my whole life. but i gotta say, i feel strangely empowered. i used to think my world would just collapse if i didn't have my family's approval. though i'm hurt [and i know that they are just as hurt, and probably even more confused] i am not devastated. i understand that this is what i've been trying to avoid my whole life...their displeasure of me, their judgment of me, their condemnation of me. but i can't live for those things anymore. i can't live as though their opinions are worth more than my own. i can't live for their peace of mind and betray myself anymore.

i doubt they will ever understand. i guess at the root of all of my blind obedience was the fear that if i "strayed" from the path they set before me that i would lose their love. though i hope that never happens, i know i'll go on with my life if it actually does. but i guess i should start preparing my heart now...just in case it does.