p* envy

while i love the mission of my new company, and having daily devotions at work, and while my immediate teammates and i get along [so far]...one thing i'm having a real hard time with is the workload. for about two weeks now i've been logging an average of 14 hrs per day, including weekends. i officially no longer have a life. my job is in my psyche now too...as i dream about it on most nites, waking up in a panic that i missed a deadline. [i haven't yet]. i feel very out-of-control...and not in the "screw-the-world-i'm-on-the-back-of-a-motorcycle-and-could-care-less" sort of way, but in the "oh-sh*t-i-think-i-bit-off-more-than-i-can-chew" kind of way. which is why i think i had the dream that i did last nite. in my latest and perhaps most disturbing dream to date, i dreamt that i was single and still living with my parents [that's not the disturbing part]. i took a nap while they were out, and woke up feeling kind of...how shall i put it..."heavy"...down there. confused, i reached down, wondering, "did i defecate while napping?"...and to my utter shock, i realized that the heaviness was attached to me. "what is this?!" i panicked. so i took off my pants and looked down, and discovered...a penis. yup folks. i had grown a penis.

i tried to pull it off me...detach it from my otherwise still female body somehow...but of course, yanking it as hard as i could only brought excruciating pain. i was in disbelief. not to mention grossed out [sorry guys, nothing personal]. this sucker seemed here to stay. what now? do i call 911? who's going to believe this? did satan do this to me? was i used for some kind of weird, forgotten scientific experiment? i racked my brain..."there must be some way to get this thing off of me." and then i realized i had to pee. i was about to sit down, when it dawned on me that i didn't have to. so i peed standing up. and i have to admit, that was liberating. for a split second [and i mean, SPLIT second] i thought it was kewl to have a penis...you know, it's very convenient. but that moment passed quickly, and i was back in distress. i tried going back to sleep, hoping that when i woke up next, it'd be gone. but i couldn't fall asleep, and the heaviness of my lower half just made it difficult for me to relax. "how do guys walk around with this?" i thought. i started to consider the unthinkable...hacking it off with a large butcher knife. but i couldn't muster the courage to actually go through with it. finally, exhausted and out of ideas, i did what any other normal woman who woke up with a penis would do...i cried hysterically, calling for my mommie.

i think i may need therapy.