mascara

i've been able to avoid tears these past few weeks...when we hosted susan's farewell party...when mary, susan and i had our last girls' dinner together...and even when john was videotaping a bon voyage message from me to susan...i was able to do all that sans tears b/c i wore mascara. if you know anything about mascara...it runs and leaves messy black smears on your face when you cry. so i've been able to put my mascara first, and will myself not to cry, lest my mascara run.

today, my sujan drove off to begin her cross-country drive to her dad's house in NJ and then from there, to england, which will serve as her new home for the next year. a few of us were gathered at her place to wave farewell. honestly, i was doing SO good up until she started hugging everyone goodbye. i thought my mascara would keep me from getting emotional, but by the time she came around to hug me, the tears started to well up. i could hardly say the words "bye" as she drove off coz i didn't want to choke it out. saying "bye" to everyone else who had gathered was nearly impossible coz they were all really sad, and of course, i was ready to burst by then. walking the single block to my car seemed really long, and when i finally got in, i let it out. i was glad no one was around to see me. but it felt good to release. i think i'd been ignoring it for so long...delaying the inevitable. i tell myself she's just going on a long missions trip, but deep inside i know better. she's moving on to the next phase of her life. and that next phase doesn't have anything to do with me or living in pasadena or even living in the U.S.!

my mom called, breaking me from my crying stint, and when she heard my voice she bellowed, "are you CRYING?! you swore you weren't going to cry coz you put on mascara!!" and then she chuckled. can you believe that? she chuckled at my pain!! >=\ whatever. i decided the moment called for a medium cappucino blast. so i got to BR, parked, gathered myself together [unbelievably, the mascara didn't run!] and walked in like i normally do. vaje, the owner, saw me and immediately asked "are you okay?" oh. my. gawed. he could tell i was sad/crying?!? how embarrassing!!! but wouldn't you know it, instead of my embarrassment over-riding my tears, the tears started to well up again! egads! so i nodded, whispered, "medium today please" and looked away. God bless him, he just smiled and made me the best blast to date, and when he handed me my change he whispered, "i hope you feel better." GOD BLESS THE CAPPUCINO BLAST MAN.

and now i'm home, drinking my blast and blogging and thinking about how susan must be enjoying the drive with jean, and hoping they enjoy my mom's homecooked korean travel food [she made them gimbap, japchae, and packed some peppers with spicy paste for dipping]. and it hits me...my mascara is waterproof.